A new lease of life: Inside<--> out

There is none like you...

2008-05-13T13:33:00.002+08:00

I had a wonderful chat last night while working my way through my presentation slides. I sudden felt relieved and seemingly having a new life. Sometimes you need a down time in your life so that you will learn how to appreciate those around you and not take them for granted.
Concern is the word that has been constantly down graded to naggings... But you notice the values of this nagging when you are hit with a crisis. I love my friends; I cherish my family. I must be positive!

A wonderful family dinner

2008-05-11T23:02:00.003+08:00

I really enjoyed tonight's outing. My mum is indeed in a good mood today nd I am happy. Well I almost made her sad again because I took oo long to cycle and buy her her favourite snack...

But let's not dwell on the unhappy stuff. Today we went to Vivo! Seriously speaking, Vivo is huge that I rell never have the opportunity to explore every single corner that this mall has to offer.

Yes let's dive into dinner first. You know what we had??? EARL SWENSON'S... It is really delicious. Yes this time I am able to control my eating. I took a slower pace. Although it has a salad buffet bar, I didn't fill my plate to the brim and took what I relly want. I ate slowly and refill only three times. I have my limits.. YES! I have control now! There is much more to learn. Yes I need more training in buffets... Then we paid Tangs a visit... well window shoppin I guess... But I sort of learn how to relax myself by this kinds of shopping.. RETAIL THERAPY???? haha

My mum and sis headed to the female undies section.. so no choice, I have to follow. At least I tried to make myself comfortable and not feel queasy at all. Come on.. I am forced there ok! I am not a pervert!

Ok picture time!

Ok man Good nite guys!

My Lovely Mum

2008-05-11T15:18:00.003+08:00

I really want to dedicate this Blog post to my mum.

She is a woman of tenacity, of strength and courage. I've pick up both good and bad traits from her, albeit a little less from my dad! Mum and I have walk through a rather intereseting journey with me, and I must admit that these 22 year must not have been smooth-saling. However tulmultous the path may be, her undaunted spirit lingers.

Fortitude and determination is her ethos. She firmly belief in having full confidence in everything that one does.

I take pride in whatever she has contributed to this family, being a hardcore engineer and then sacrifising her highly held glory to become an unsung hero- A Housewife.

Today's newspaper shows how much a housewife should be paid if all errands were accounted for.. It summed up to be like $23000 a month. There is a catch here... Why such a high pay where a common maid could only command a monthly pay of $500? The ultimate truth is that mothers are just irreplacable, they really do more than house keeping. They give their hearts out when it comes to the well being of each family member. Being A housewife is not an easy task and I respect all housewifes.

The Lord has been good to me. Everytime when there is a major crisis in life, I aways know that my mum is my shelter and she is God-given. She is my safety haven, my temple of solace. Nothing can replace her.

My you have always been there for me. I really love you! I will do you proud!

Beautiful Girl...

2008-05-07T20:38:00.002+08:00

I am so heartened by invitations from my best JC friends: Rende & Jonathan, to watch Iron Man together. I really want to say I didn't enjoy a proper movie for such a long time!!!!!!!! My previous attempt to relax with a movie with my friends was marred by an axiomatic response to do hand grip and bicep curls during the show. Crazy right! I have no idea how my friends have the patience with me..

The movie was great and I actually interacted with the movie itself- I was totally engrossed and at some part, sway my head as if I was the protaganist, avoiding the bullets sprayed on me.

At the end of it all.. Nothing beats the sms sent by my angel... Last night, there was this sudden sms from her which is nothing serious... Finally I've got a candid sms from her... Yeah. Great interaction took place. I really feel happy but at the same time felt an overwhelming concern for her lethargy. Well I really cherish a good friend like her and I dunno whether she felt the same for me???

Anyway, I was so tense last night and instead of having a slumber, I went into a duel with sleeplessness!

Haiz.. Beautiful girl.... What can I hope of us? Yesterday I learnt something from Jonathan actually. He said to have a strong relationship there must be a strong and solid foundation- One that streches on trust and based on mutual respect. If there are difference (bound to have), they should be resolved in a peaceful and repectful way rather than to see giving up in that relationship as the best option. Everyone is special.... That is what my colleague told me... There is no such thing as wierd. How people look at and perceive you is uncontrollable but as long as you did your best to potray the best you can (candidly), there will always be breakthroughs...

Ok guys. I look forward to NUS!

Chill out man.

2008-05-05T21:58:00.000+08:00

Hey Have fun!

Another relaxing day....

2008-05-04T15:30:00.003+08:00

Yes... Relax. I hope I can go out later... Need to run errands. Actually I feel quite wierd you know.. It is like I am a pigeon trapped at home.
I want to go out.. but I can't.. Not exercise... But to spend my time doing stuff like library, shopping.. just looking around.

Actually, life is short, so I really can't just let it slip away. I really want to have something to do every moment.... Not the compulsion. And certainly not exercising or eating every moment... That I will revert back to my old bulimic Darren.. the evil one..

Just now, my mum commented on me being very thin again..
I told myself weight and bulimia is two different thing. I try not to let this issue sadden my heart. But frankly speaking, there are happy people who are thin and are not bulimic! So the most important thing is, like what my Aunt wil say: must have the correct thinking. That is what is the most important!!! You can hover around the ideal weight and still be bulimic! That is certainly not what I want. I want a recovery that is long term and that is beneficiary to my health... Not a short term one that serves to create temporal happiness to those close to me.

I know it sounds selfish... And I have already broken my parents hearts.. Please give me some time...

Thanks Cui Fang for the conversation just now.. If not I really got nothing to look forward to...

Today is my best Ah Gong Ah Ma day...

2008-05-03T21:17:00.004+08:00

Yeah! Finally! Today I had a successful interaction with the elderlies!

1. I played blackjack.. The old Aunty way.. They taught me how to shuffle their way and ho to be a good "zheng kae"

2. I sang Hokkien song/ chinese oldies

3. I massaged Uncle John

4. Manage to persuade an old uncle from 3rd storey down to join the rest.

5. Feed one friendly old uncle who can speak ENGLISH!!!

Nicole and a baby from one of the volunteers...

Oh yes today was the first time I engage with the moral angels for brainstorming and meeting. Next week, we are bringing the Ah Gong Ah Ma to China Town... or contigency plan would be Terminal 3, Changi Airport.

Yes, Next Saturday, my class is having a port luck party... Hope I can come up with nice sandwiches!!!

Alright man! gotta go!

Love is a powerful object

2008-05-02T20:58:00.003+08:00

Hey man... I love my new bike... Now it is so convenient! Haha! Last time I am so crazy about exercise, don't know how to relax. I really enjoy the leisure ride that the bicycle can provide. Nowadays, I sort of getting lazier... I think it is the medicine.. Well maybe not lazier but more normal i guess! Haha... Surely one day I will get back to extra normal!
Oh yes my interview did go smoothly! Yeah! Praise the Lord! I am accepted by NUS. Although I must start afresh, am not afraid or ashamed! At least I spent a year relooking into the holes of my life.
Ok as for yesterday:

Mathias is so cute la! He really made my day... Actually not only him... But the whole family... They are so warm! Finally got to see Cui en, Josephine's sis (Thanks for the wishes :) )and the hardworking Josephine Dad!

I really enjoyed my time... Guess this is part of life!

Interview???

2008-05-02T14:03:00.002+08:00

Hey NUS. Here I come.

I am gonna start my journey a fresh. With a new heart, with a rejuvinated soul! Yeah!

Today.. or rather, 2 more hours later, I am gonna see the head and deputy head of Material Science & Engineering Dept. I wonder what are they gonna ask me man.

Yes... Yesterday I had an enjoyable time man.. I will load the pictures tonight!

Ok.. all the best Darren!

What is the Holy Grail of Science?

2008-05-01T14:40:00.002+08:00

"The creation of blood vessels is one of the holy grails of regenerative medicine "
Professor Julian ChaudhuriBath University

Talking about regeneration, it really gives me an idea of giving back life to people. Jst like how I got back my life, I really hope Ican give life to people too... In the tech news of BBC, I happen to chance upon two medical discovery- One of which is synthethic blood vessel and the other is Extra cellular tissue implant and growth. Talking about my future area of research, which is too earlyto catch a glimpse of... I would most likely endeavour upon the hopes of naotechnology to come up with some bio compatible material or medicine. By far, medicine has its impact manifested via the chemical way and very few medicine actually uses physical interations to weed out errors in our human system (probably with the exception of some chinese medicine). I really wish for that day to come, when I have enough say to make an impact to the scientific/medical arena.

Talking about my life, some celebrities shared the same sorrow as me:

Celebrities With EDs
Jane Fonda- You've seen her in movies and you may have seen her playing some sports. Others know her as an activist and some personally know her as a wife and a mother. In the 1970's she went public with her bulimiarexia. She had an ED for about 20 years!

Jamie-Lynn Sigler- Or to us she's Tony Soprano's daughter. She became a spokeswoman for ED men/women.Tracey Gold- She was an actress since she was four, doing soda commercials and working a role in Growing Pains. Not only did she have an ED but she ALSO had ADD.

Sally Field- Anybody remember her? She was the Flying Nun. No wonder she had an ED.

Carre Otis- If you dont know who she is, I suggest you start buying some better thinspiration magazines. Shes a top fashion model who's had an ED for nearly 17yrs.

Paula Abdul- For the non-American Idol fans, shes a singer and a dancer famous for her necklines and her skin-tight dresses. She had such an ED that she had a "food cop" patrolling her kitchen! I wish I had one of thoes! She used to exercise 4-5 times a day AND she does yoga. And you think YOU work hard to maintain your figure?

Victoria Beckham- Remember back to your Spice Girl phase... oh come on... admit it, we all went through the Spice Girls at one point. Victoria Beckham, or Posh Spice, told about her ED in her autobiography. As far as I can remember, she looked to be at an average weight to me. Shows what makeup can do to a person I guess.

Joan Rivers- Shes a hilarious commedienne, author, entrepreneur AND a mother. Talk about multi-tasking! Her ED developed after her husbands suicide. She delt with her problems by binging on cookies, entire cakes and gallons of ice cream. Shes now recovered.

The Barbi Twins- They were playboy playmates at one point. They were ana/mia both, and shared their insite as part of Body Image Awareness Week. They really do look like Barbies! I'll try to find a good picture of them for my thinspiration page.Whitney Houston- Publicly expressed her eating disorder when passing out at a concert. She should have taken her multvitamins.

Courtney Thorne-Smith- A former star of Ally McBeal, aparently she still has an eating disorder.

Yada yada yada.. The list goes on... but there seems toe no males... Am I a shame to my community? Hmmm... Something to ponder upon. Right now, I am gaining back my old Darren, the friendly, sociable YOMAN. Yes.. I will be back.

The master of talking cock.

2008-04-29T21:18:00.001+08:00

I think I've talk a great deal today... Wha.. Iam really enjoying research.. But getting busier guys.. So I won't be posting that often.. You'll have to miss me!

Why Fail

2008-04-28T22:48:00.002+08:00

Fail? Did I fail? I did not fail myself! I only failed my driving test what! Come on Darren... Itis onl a driving test. And I think I did pretty well this time. Just need more luck next time! kay. I need some time to re-evaluate myself. I almost went into hysteria this afternoon. But everything is gona be ok! There will always be a better tomorrow! Praise the Lord!

I am ready...

2008-04-27T21:19:00.003+08:00

ready for what

For my DRIVING TEST tomorrow!

Scary but I am going to overcome it. Let's see. If I really pass tomorrow I will have loads to celebrate. I put in alot of effort, money, and attention this time round. I really wish that the Lord will be with me tomorrow.. Amen!... No Lord is always with me!

Today is my tuition day again... Put in loads of hardwork in prepring notes for this student of mine. I really hope he knows how to reciprocate.
Then later, I went to church with Josephine. Today's sermon was awesome. Pastor Khong taught us to fear the Lord, for the fear will bring us no fear to worldly things... I had a rising urge to pray for Josephine and I did it near the end of the service. Not very good with my words but I meant well.

After that I was at Bedok area, so I chanced upon the community library and managed to salvage some good books about eating disorder. I really hope that I could read into myself well.

Yes then, after that is my driving practice. The circuit was utterly quiet. But that's good as I have most of the practice to myself and less waiting time!

Yesterday I had A fun time with a soldier:

Yeah! We are really looking forward to Taiwan! Hotel and air tickets settled!

Please!!! That is my sabbathical beforethe start of my school in NUS!

Yesterday I had some misunderstanding with my mum over food again. But we managed to recover from all the accusation and turned it into a friendly peace talk.

Let's hope the books that I've borrowed today comes in handy!

Nights! Pass Pass Pass my test!!!!

Blackholes and Revelations....

2008-04-23T23:15:00.001+08:00

Schwarzschild geometry

The Schwarzschild geometry describes the spacetime geometry of empty space
surrounding any spherical mass.
Karl Schwarzschild derived this geometry at the close of 1915,
within a few weeks of Albert Einstein publishing his fundamental paper on
the Theory of General Relativity.
The history of this discovery and much more
is wonderfully recounted in Kip Thorne's book
``Black Holes & Time Warps: Einstein's Outrageous Legacy''.

Schwarzschild radius

One of the remarkable predictions of Schwarzschild's geometry
was that if a mass M were compressed inside a critical radius
r_s,
nowadays called the Schwarzschild radius,
then its gravity would become so strong that not even light could escape.
The Schwarzschild radius r_s of a mass M
is given by

r_s = 2 G M / c²

where G is

Newton's gravitational constant,
and c is the

speed of light.
For a 30 solar mass object,
like the black hole in the fictional star system here,
the Schwarzschild radius is about 100 kilometers.

Curiously, the Schwarzschild radius had already been derived
(with the correct result, but an incorrect theory) by

John Michell in 1783
(this reference is from

Erk's Relativity Pages)
in the context of Newtonian gravity and the corpuscular theory of light.
Michel derived the critical radius by
setting the gravitational escape velocity v equal to
the speed of light c in the Newtonian formula
v² / 2 = G M / r
for the escape velocity v from the surface of a star of mass
M and radius r.

Horizon

The Schwarzschild surface,
the sphere at 1 Schwarzschild radius,
is also called the horizon of a black hole,
since an outside observer,
even one just outside the Schwarzschild surface,
can see nothing beyond the horizon.

Schwarzschild metric

Schwarzschild's geometry is described by the metric
(in units where the speed of light is one, c = 1)

ds² =
- ( 1 - r_s / r ) dt²
+ ( 1 - r_s / r )^-1 dr²
+ r² do²
.

The quantity ds denotes the invariant spacetime interval,
an absolute measure of the distance between two events in space and time,
t is a `universal' time coordinate,
r is the circumferential radius,
defined so that the circumference of a sphere at radius r is
2 pi r,
and do is an interval of spherical solid angle.

Embedding diagram

The Schwarzschild geometry is illustrated in the embedding diagram at the top
of the page, which shows a 2-dimensional representation of the 3-dimensional
spatial geometry at a particular instant of universal time t.
One should imagine that objects are confined to move only on the 2-dimensional
surface.
Each circle actually represents a sphere, of circumference
2 pi r.
According to the Schwarzschild metric,
the proper radial distance,
the actual distance measured by an observer at rest at radius r,
between two spheres separated by an interval
dr of circumferential radius r is
(1 - r_s/r)^-1/2 dr,
which is larger than the radial interval dr
expected in a flat, Euclidean geometry.
Thus the geometry is `stretched' in the radial direction,
as shown in the embedding diagram.

Outside the horizon,
the lines in the embedding diagram are `space-like':
they would be measured by some actual observer
(in this case an observer at rest in the Schwarzschild geometry)
as being intervals of space at some instant of the observer's proper time
(an observer's proper time is the time actually measured by the observer,
as experienced by the observer's brain or recorded by a watch on the observer's
wrist).

Inside the horizon,
lines in the Schwarzschild embedding diagram change to being `time-like':
they represent intervals of time measured at the position of some observer,
rather than intervals of space at an instant of some observer's time.
That is to say,
the lines in the embedding diagram inside the horizon represent possible
trajectories of infalling (though not necessarily freely falling) observers.

The shape of the embedding diagram inside the horizon,
as drawn at the top of the page, is somewhat arbitrary.
The animated dashes do however show correctly
intervals of proper time as experienced by an observer
infalling along a line of constant Schwarzschild time t.

Gravitational slowing of time

In general relativity,
clocks at rest run slower inside a gravitational potential than outside.

In the case of the Schwarzschild metric,
the proper time,
the actual time measured by an observer at rest at radius r,
during an interval dt of universal time is
(1 - r_s/r)^1/2 dt,
which is less than the universal time interval dt.
Thus a distant observer at rest will observe the clock of an observer at rest
at radius r to run more slowly than the distant observer's own clock,
by a factor

( 1 - r_s / r )^1/2 .

This time dilation factor tends to zero
as r approaches the Schwarzschild radius r_s,
which means that someone at the Schwarzschild radius will appear to freeze to
a stop, as seen by anyone outside the Schwarzschild radius.

Gravitational redshift

The gravitational slowing of time
produces a gravitational redshift of photons.
That is, an outside observer will observe photons emitted from
within a gravitational potential to be redshifted
to lower frequencies, or equivalently to longer wavelengths.

Conversely, an observer at rest in a gravitational potential
will observe photons from outside to be blueshifted
to higher frequencies, shorter wavelengths.

In the case of the Schwarzschild metric,
a distant observer at rest will observe photons emitted by a source at rest at
radius r to be redshifted
so that the observed wavelength is larger by a factor

( 1 - r_s / r )^-1/2

than the emitted wavelength.
The redshift factor tends to infinity
as r approaches the Schwarzschild radius r_s,
which means that someone at the Schwarzschild radius will appear
infinitely redshifted, as seen by anyone outside the Schwarzschild radius.

That the redshift factor is the same as the time dilation factor
(well, so one's the reciprocal of the other,
but that's just because the redshift factor is, conventionally,
a ratio of wavelengths rather than a ratio of frequencies)
is no coincidence.
Photons are a good clocks.
When a photon is redshifted,
its frequency, the rate at which it ticks, slows down.

In the illustration shown,
a source at rest at 1.18 Schwarzschild radii emits light rays
with the same initial wavelength in 6 equally spaced directions.
The light ray going out is redshifted,
while the rays falling in become blueshifted,
from the point of view of observers at rest in the Schwarzschild geometry.
Five of the 6 rays end up falling into the black hole
(the two yellow rays would fall in,
but I cut them off so they wouldn't block the view).

No stationary frames inside the Schwarzschild radius

According to the Schwarzschild metric,
at the Schwarzschild radius r_s,
proper radial distance intervals become infinite,
and proper time passes infinitely slowly.
Inside the Schwarzschild radius,
proper radial distances and proper times appear to become imaginary
(that is, the square root of a negative number).

Historically, it took decades before this strange behaviour was
understood properly
(see again
Kip Thorne's book
``Black Holes and Time Warps''
for an account).
The problem with the Schwarzschild metric is that it describes the geometry
as measured by observers at rest.
It is now realized that once inside the Schwarzschild radius,
there can be no observers at rest:
everything plunges inevitably to the central singularity.
In effect,
the very fabric of spacetime falls to the singularity,
carrying everything with it.
No pressure can withstand the inexorable collapse.

To paraphrase Misner, Thorne & Wheeler (1973, ``Gravitation'', p. 823),
that same unseen power of the world
which impels everyone from age 20 to 40, and from 40 to 80,
impels objects inside the horizon irresistably towards the singularity.

Answer to the
quiz question 8:
False.
The Schwarzschild metric remains valid inside the Schwarzschild radius.
It is fine to perform mathematical calculations using the Schwarzschild
metric.
Inside the Schwarzschild radius,
if you transform to frames of reference which fall inward
(or outward, for a white hole!)
faster than the speed of light,
then the geometry becomes `normal' again.

Schwarzschild spacetime diagram

This spacetime diagram illustrates the temporal geometry
of the Schwarzschild metric,
at the expense of suppressing information about the spatial geometry.
By comparison, the embedding diagram at the top of the page
illustrated the spatial geometry,
while suppressing information about the temporal geometry.

The horizontal axis represents radial distance,
while the vertical axis represents time.
The cyan vertical line is the central singularity,
at zero radius,
while the red vertical line is the horizon,
at one Schwarzschild radius.
Yellow and ochre
lines are the worldlines of light rays
moving radially inward and outward respectively.
Each point at radius r in the spacetime diagram represents
a 3-dimensional spatial sphere of circumference
2 pi r.
Dark purple
and blue lines are respectively lines of constant
Schwarzschild time and constant circumferential radius.

The Schwarzschild spacetime geometry appears ill-behaved at the horizon,
the Schwarzschild radius (vertical red line).
However,
the pathology is an artefact of the Schwarzschild coordinate system.
Spacetime itself is well-behaved at the Schwarzschild radius,
as can be ascertained by computing the components of the Riemann
curvature tensor, all of whose components remain finite at the
Schwarzschild radius.

The curious change in the character of the Schwarzschild geometry
inside versus outside the horizon can be seen in the spacetime diagram.
Whereas outside the horizon infalling and outgoing light rays
move generally upward, in the direction of increasing Schwarzschild time,
inside the horizon infalling and outgoing light rays move generally leftward,
toward the singularity.

General Relativity permits an arbitrary relabelling of coordinates.
Some coordinate systems which behave better at the Schwarzschild
radius are illustrated below.

Would you take my hands?

2008-04-22T21:59:00.004+08:00

Today I made another confession about my condition.. This time to my Disciple... Haha. I am glad she is open with it.. Anyway.. she has been a great help to me today! Really happy thatI have an assistant because dealing with two ELISA plate is no easy task.. Especially with the standards.

Actually the results are quite ok..I should say.

Today the Cute cute Mathias called me..

"Hello Darren kor kor.I want to speak to Mas selamat Kor kor.." Haha!

Really miss him. But I guess I am also missing someone close to my heart. I never had this feeling for a long long time le.. When I was drown with bulimia, please don't talk about love to me. I don't even love life. I just wanna exercise and "kill"??? What is the use of love where I have my own desires to fulfill.
But the Jovial Darren is back! Not that I am frivolous; in fact I am damn serious with my life now. That is why I seek for someone that I love and truely loves me too.. Haha. But that is not all that important now. Let it come naturally as dictated by God. But this girl that I admire has a good heart and my family really cherish her. Yes! I would take a positive step in knowing her better!

Ok man. I am really getting better these days... Tomorrow is a killer day again.. 24 transfection (Oh My Goodness) to do. Why Dr Ng trusts me so much! haha

Ok good nite guys. I had a tired day!!!

Where's my overtime pay?

2008-04-21T21:36:00.004+08:00

Working extra hours should confer more pay! Haha. no la.. I don't for the money----- It is for the experience! yes yes! I love my job! It's getting exciting each day. Other than job, I realise that I took up unpaid voluntary work, Part time job(tuition). Yeah my life is pretty much balanced now! Talking baout my voluntary job: Moral Angels... I feel so good taling Hokkien man! It's like a cultural revolution to me.. Ok this is a snippet on the latest Saturday:

Hi angels,

it was a lovely afternoon at moral home. It was not quite the usual crowd but we did quite all right nevertheless. When I was there at 3pm (late as usual), uncle Meng Huat was at the helm of the blackjack table instead of our regular big boss uncle Song. We need a bigger table as the gambling den is attracting more Ah Kong Ah Ma in anticipation of the IRs opening. Song and Sam (S&S) were spotted on the 2nd and 3rd floor doing their rounds to PR with the residents and also some new elderly at the home.

SK can be seen running around in search for MJ kakis for our Ah Ma waiting downstair at the MJ table. Thru his crystal ball, SK had foreseen the angels turnout for this week. And so he brought along his secret weapon: Teochew Opera VCD! It worked like a charm. Ah Kong Ah Ma were glued to the TV. Meanwhile I was beaten up down left right at the checker table by uncle John. I think he misses Poh Yan, even though he tried hard to cover up his yawn of boredom.

That’s about all folks. Thanks for reading.

.

.

.

.

The story would have ended if not for our newest additions to the angels family. Introducing Desmond and Darren (D&D)! Desmond is a soccer kaki of SK, and after a brief tour of moral home, he immediately dive into action helping with the games and stuff. Darren is a friend of Josephine Neo, and he was here last week too. He took some photos of Ah Kong Ah Ma last week, and the Ah Kong Ah Ma can be seen grinning ear to ear when he handed them the developed photos this week. Hey Darren, great work! Take more photos in the future and we can put them up on the blog too.

Here are some good news for all the fans of Uncle Lee. After taking a short break at CGH chalet, uncle Lee is back at the home with even more zest, hoping to make up for the lost time at the chess table. He may even make it for the temple outing, why not? Talking about the outing, angels coordinators Shuhua and Huixian were running around auditioning our Ah Kong Ah Ma for the outing. They were also thinking aloud wondering WHY angels have not replied to their email on their attendance for the outing. Hey angels, you know who you are…

And last but not least, despite the low turnout for the 1st sports day of 2008, we did manage to enjoy ourselves thoroughly. Uncle Song conducted a badminton clinic, and I learnt how to hold a racket properly for the 1st time of my life! Nice. Credit goes to the welfare committee and Dietitian angels for making the sports day possible.

Cheers! Have a nice week ahead!

Jin Xiong

Today I had lunch with Mr Steven again. haha! He is quite a quiet friendly guy. Ok Today I ventured on my own method to recover my DNA.. It does seem to work!

Rather anxious for tomorrow's ELISA 2J expt. Look at this:

Lots of hard work just for the preparation alone... I hope for a good result tml.. Dealing with two plates ok! Do hear lots of timer beeping!

Good nite!

Fighting Bulimia

2008-04-21T16:22:00.002+08:00

Look at this article:

Prescott tells of bulimia battle

John Prescott talks about his bulimia

Former deputy prime minister John Prescott has confessed to suffering from the eating disorder bulimia.

He told BBC News 24 that he suffered in misery and in silence for 10 years because of the shame of being a high-profile man with the illness.

He writes in the Sunday Times that he would gorge on food and then vomit.

Mr Prescott explains how he could "sup a whole tin of condensed milk", eat trifles "for ever" and eat through a Chinese restaurant's entire menu.

The 69-year-old told the BBC: "I never admitted to this out of the shame and embarrassment.

"I found it difficult as a man like me to admit that I suffered from bulimia - the doctors told me that it was probably due to stress.

An eating disorder can affect anyone at any age, it isn't just young girls, it's boys and men as well

Susan Ringwood, Beat

"I eventually managed to control it and to stop it a few years ago."

Mr Prescott emphasised part of his motivation for the revelation was to de-stigmatise the illness and encourage others to seek help.

He said: "I want to say to the millions of people, do take advice, it can help and it can help you out of a lot of misery that you suffer in silence."

Bravery

He writes in the Sunday Times: "People normally associate it with young women - anorexic girls, models trying to keep their weight down - or women in stressful situations, like Princess Diana."

Health experts praised Mr Prescott for his confession.

Susan Ringwood, chief executive of the eating disorders charity Beat, told Radio 5 Live that bulimia was not only suffered by young women.

It's hard enough for a young girl to confess to, but for a high-profile male politician approaching 70, it's especially impressive

Dr Ty Glover

She said: "We do know that an eating disorder can affect anyone at any age, it isn't just young girls, it's boys and men as well, so in that sense it wasn't a surprise.

"And neither was it a surprise that someone felt they really needed to keep this a secret, and even say they felt ashamed of themselves.

"And that feeling can stop people getting help."

Consultant psychiatrist Dr Ty Glover, an eating disorders specialist at Cheadle Royal Hospital in Cheshire, said: "It's hard enough for a young girl to confess to, but for a high-profile male politician approaching 70, it's especially impressive.

"It seriously makes me think that maybe we're completely missing a whole audience of middle-aged men who are too scared to admit they have a problem."

Dr Glover said one in 10 sufferers were male and that Mr Prescott's brave admission should encourage other men to seek help.

What I did was stuff my face with anything around, any old rubbish, burgers, chocolate, crisps, fish and chips, loads of it, till I felt sick

John Prescott

Mr Prescott, who stepped down from Labour's front bench last year after ten years as deputy PM, said people would never suspect he suffered from the disorder and that some could accuse him of not being "a very successful bulimic" because his weight did not drop.

He said he began binging and vomiting during his years in the shadow cabinet in the 1980s, but the condition got worse when Labour came to power in 1997.

"So what I did was stuff my face with anything around, any old rubbish, burgers, chocolate, crisps, fish and chips, loads of it, till I felt sick - but at least I'd had the pleasure of stuffing my face and feeling really full.

"Then there would be a weird kind of pleasure in vomiting and feeling relieved."

Secret eating

He continued: "I could sup a whole tin of Carnation condensed milk, just for the taste, stupid things like that. Marks & Spencer trifles, I still love them, one of my favourites. I can eat them for ever.

Archive footage of John Prescott

"Whenever I go to Mr Chu's in Hull, my favourite Chinese restaurant in the whole world . . . I could eat my way through the entire menu."

He speaks of trying to hide his bulimia from colleagues and his wife, Pauline.

"I thought, of course, I was being clever, and no-one would ever know, but Pauline realised in the end. The signs in the toilet gave it away, and all the missing food."

Seventeen years ago Mrs Prescott persuaded her husband to get help from the House of Commons doctor and he was sent on to a consultant.

My weight, though, is still over 15 stone - as I do love my food - but I try not to snack between meals and to eat at sensible times

John Prescott

"I turned up and found his waiting room full of young women. I was the only man there. I felt a right twerp. Luckily none of them shopped me to the press.

"Perhaps they thought I was on a fact-finding mission, never for one moment thinking that a man of my age and build could be suffering from bulimia nervosa, but that's what the consultant said I had."

He received treatment, but he continued to be bulimic when he became deputy prime minister in 1997.

But now he says he has not suffered from the disorder for a year and exercises in the gym for 45 minutes a day.

"My weight, though, is still over 15 stone - as I do love my food - but I try not to snack between meals and to eat at sensible times."

Mr Prescott, who also has diabetes, is now supporting the National Health Service's awareness campaign on food disorders.

Now we know.. Do not suffer in silence!

Fighting Bulimia

2008-04-21T16:22:00.001+08:00

Look at this article:

Prescott tells of bulimia battle

John Prescott talks about his bulimia
Former deputy prime minister John Prescott has confessed to suffering from the eating disorder bulimia.
He told BBC News 24 that he suffered in misery and in silence for 10 years because of the shame of being a high-profile man with the illness.
He writes in the Sunday Times that he would gorge on food and then vomit.
Mr Prescott explains how he could "sup a whole tin of condensed milk", eat trifles "for ever" and eat through a Chinese restaurant's entire menu.
The 69-year-old told the BBC: "I never admitted to this out of the shame and embarrassment.
"I found it difficult as a man like me to admit that I suffered from bulimia - the doctors told me that it was probably due to stress.
An eating disorder can affect anyone at any age, it isn't just young girls, it's boys and men as well
Susan Ringwood, Beat
"I eventually managed to control it and to stop it a few years ago."
Mr Prescott emphasised part of his motivation for the revelation was to de-stigmatise the illness and encourage others to seek help.
He said: "I want to say to the millions of people, do take advice, it can help and it can help you out of a lot of misery that you suffer in silence."
Bravery
He writes in the Sunday Times: "People normally associate it with young women - anorexic girls, models trying to keep their weight down - or women in stressful situations, like Princess Diana."
Health experts praised Mr Prescott for his confession.
Susan Ringwood, chief executive of the eating disorders charity Beat, told Radio 5 Live that bulimia was not only suffered by young women.
It's hard enough for a young girl to confess to, but for a high-profile male politician approaching 70, it's especially impressive
Dr Ty Glover
She said: "We do know that an eating disorder can affect anyone at any age, it isn't just young girls, it's boys and men as well, so in that sense it wasn't a surprise.
"And neither was it a surprise that someone felt they really needed to keep this a secret, and even say they felt ashamed of themselves.
"And that feeling can stop people getting help."
Consultant psychiatrist Dr Ty Glover, an eating disorders specialist at Cheadle Royal Hospital in Cheshire, said: "It's hard enough for a young girl to confess to, but for a high-profile male politician approaching 70, it's especially impressive.
"It seriously makes me think that maybe we're completely missing a whole audience of middle-aged men who are too scared to admit they have a problem."
Dr Glover said one in 10 sufferers were male and that Mr Prescott's brave admission should encourage other men to seek help.
What I did was stuff my face with anything around, any old rubbish, burgers, chocolate, crisps, fish and chips, loads of it, till I felt sick
John Prescott
Mr Prescott, who stepped down from Labour's front bench last year after ten years as deputy PM, said people would never suspect he suffered from the disorder and that some could accuse him of not being "a very successful bulimic" because his weight did not drop.
He said he began binging and vomiting during his years in the shadow cabinet in the 1980s, but the condition got worse when Labour came to power in 1997.
"So what I did was stuff my face with anything around, any old rubbish, burgers, chocolate, crisps, fish and chips, loads of it, till I felt sick - but at least I'd had the pleasure of stuffing my face and feeling really full.
"Then there would be a weird kind of pleasure in vomiting and feeling relieved."
Secret eating
He continued: "I could sup a whole tin of Carnation condensed milk, just for the taste, stupid things like that. Marks & Spencer trifles, I still love them, one of my favourites. I can eat them for ever.

Archive footage of John Prescott
"Whenever I go to Mr Chu's in Hull, my favourite Chinese restaurant in the whole world . . . I could eat my way through the entire menu."
He speaks of trying to hide his bulimia from colleagues and his wife, Pauline.
"I thought, of course, I was being clever, and no-one would ever know, but Pauline realised in the end. The signs in the toilet gave it away, and all the missing food."
Seventeen years ago Mrs Prescott persuaded her husband to get help from the House of Commons doctor and he was sent on to a consultant.
My weight, though, is still over 15 stone - as I do love my food - but I try not to snack between meals and to eat at sensible times
John Prescott
"I turned up and found his waiting room full of young women. I was the only man there. I felt a right twerp. Luckily none of them shopped me to the press.
"Perhaps they thought I was on a fact-finding mission, never for one moment thinking that a man of my age and build could be suffering from bulimia nervosa, but that's what the consultant said I had."
He received treatment, but he continued to be bulimic when he became deputy prime minister in 1997.
But now he says he has not suffered from the disorder for a year and exercises in the gym for 45 minutes a day.
"My weight, though, is still over 15 stone - as I do love my food - but I try not to snack between meals and to eat at sensible times."
Mr Prescott, who also has diabetes, is now supporting the National Health Service's awareness campaign on food disorders.

Now we know.. Do not suffer in silence!

Mr Fair price

2008-04-20T20:47:00.002+08:00

I can't believe it! I've stepped into fairprice thrice in two days.
wha... Spending lots of money on groceries... I have to cut down.
As usual, I enjoyed my driving lesson again.. And it was really a breeze.
Sometips for myself. Please be patient; do not rush. Give ways to others! Use more of the side mirrors ok! Lastly, take things easy.... A week more to go.. I will pass!

I am still thinking about last nite. About the cute Matthias and the joy I had. I told my mum that and she say that I would find it fun because it is just a one time thing.. Just to mention if I were to raise the child, she say it would be an onerous task. Ok ok.. den the old story of how I was a menace to my parents as a toddler arose again...

Then we in the night, we went Hougang Mall for dinner... I tried something new today: Abalone noodle. Not that I am a fan of abalone but would reallylike to try it out at the food court.
I guess Sunday night is the only time where I could interact with my Sis, whom I still love dearly. I really love my sis. But I think I owed her deeply. It would be almost impossible for me to get back the louise that I use to know because I have neglected her so much in the past. It is hard to fill the gap, but let time heal.

In this blog, I want to say this to someone very special to me: Thank you for the encouragement and the effort to see me through this. You brighten up my new life. Thank you. I love you for who you are to me, a special friend, a comforter and a delight in my life. I pray that the Lord will bless you bountifully!

my happiest night!

2008-04-19T23:51:00.002+08:00

My day starts with shopping with my mum for groceries, then heading to the bank to change thumbprinting to signature verification. Then we went for lunch.

Gosh---> I must say that Char Kuay Teow taste heavenly. Wasn't that grossed out by the oiliness since there isn't any visible oil to begin with. I was savouring every mouth this time, instead of choosing the eggs and cockles only- I grabbed everything! Also I ate stewed beef and chicken noodles.. Dry one ok! That means with the oil, that I am usually very paranoid of! If that is stil not enough, what about another slice of kaya pancake? Hahaha!

Now I am not controlled by food but I control what I eat! But I wasn't too happy with my mum though. She has been quite temperamental these days. I am trying my best to keep my mood up! That is why, I decided to do meaningful stuff like Voluntary work every saturday! Yeah!!!

---->The Old Folks home that I've been visiting!
Come have a look at the volunteers' blog!

Some pics again:

Before I went to the old folks home, I got a surprise invitation by josephine. She asked me along to her family BBQ party at aloha loyang. It was Jose who first intro me to this old folks' home.

What happened atnight really marks another high point of my life. This night, I cherish my life even more and more. Ok, I shall confess: I love children! They are so cute and fun to play with! Hey I am not peadophilic but I just happen to have so much fun together with Josephine, entertaining her nephew, Mathias:

I proudly say that this is my best night ever!
I had control over my eating now. Despite the spread of food, I concentrate myself more on Mathias and talking with Jose. Seeing the child's innocence really make me want to cherish my life more! Yes! Thanks my friend for making my night! I was very delighted to see her care and concern for kids. She is like a small mum. I must say she will be a very good OT.

All right man.. It's late... I am thinking of buying Macs for my family for breakfast tml.... Yeah...

I need something call consistency

2008-04-18T21:38:00.003+08:00

Not that I doubt my skills.. but I am doubting artificial intelligents... Are computer and machine forever accurate? Why do I keep getting different results and error messages from the NanoDrop spectrophotometer. Today is a day of surprises. In the morning, when I tried to combine two of my linearize vector batch together, I found out that the remaining tube still contain some DNA..not some.. but quite a substantial amount. Haiz.. But I waste no time. Transfer here and there with EB buffer but I tried something new... I moved the whole thermomixer into the hood to use it to evaporate and concentrate my sample. Crazy nanodrop.. make me busy for nothing..

Then Doctor Ng gave me more trust when he passed me more of his sample for me to take care... Then I did something new again. I went to investigate the power Pen Strep--> an antibiotic. So I went to thaw out a 10ml alliquote. Just when I was about to use, I saw some yellow stuff at the bottom. So I went to ask Dr Niki for advice. Guess what, I ended up fishing more work to do. She asked me to open up a new bottle and make new alliquotes. Ok. But I enjoyed it. I am like occupying my time with more meaningful stuff!

I enjoyed lunch!... Some random pics...

Take a break:

Busy week

2008-04-17T23:14:00.000+08:00

Sorry for Missing in Action!!!

I was really too busy these days. Even Mom had to complain. I really toiled for my research work and also my tuition work.

I've spentThree Freaking Nights preparing notes on chemical and ionic equilibrium and at the same timeplaning out new experiments to try out.
I am actually very contented that I have such a golden opportunity to think creatively and design my own experimental parameters.
Why am I so busy even when my cell cultures are dead? The reason is in the question itself... REPEAT THE PROCESS!!!
But this time it is much more complicated. Intead of IFN-gamma batches, I will be dealing with a new vector anti-herceptin-2.
This woul mean that I've got 16 samples to look after,16 transfection, and my main task these days is to prepare and purify those DNA vectors that I need

Yah. Sounds simple. But Bloody Hell! It seems like DNA is like shying aways from me. Each time I do a digestion with restriction enzyme, I've got very little yield. I wonder wds wrong man?
What's more... I have to prepare media, reagents for ELISA, alliquote out Antibody standards, sampling, my cell passaging.... the list goes on. However, the highlight of this week would be the teaching of a new student attached to our department
Again, Dr ng is really nice to gie the honour to be a mentor... Furthermore, to someone older than me!haha. She is none other than Thian Thian! My first bio disciple! She is really friendly and very willing to learn. I love this kind of people!
This week also accounts for the spawning of my new lunch Kahkis. They are indeed a bunch of more approachable people since we are roughly in the same age group.
Also, just today, I joined Dr Ng, my supervisor, for lunch. Guess what? We talked about girls la! He look so studious but actually he has exquisite knowledge about relationship and courtship.
He said that uni is the best place and time to get a girlfriend, and he advised me never to get a girlfriend at the same workplace.

ok it is rather late and i need to catch up on my sleep. sweet dreams guys!

Getting busier these days...

2008-04-14T22:06:00.002+08:00

Yes yes.. I am sorry man... Let me say that my life is very fulfilling nowadays.. Keepig myself occupied and keeping my mood up is certainly the way to go..
Let me write about Sunday first then...

Ok Morning was tuition as usual. My tutee is more attentive this time and a little more responsive.. I guess he got some admonishings from his dad. Then I got my pay for the tuition! Yeah! $250... Wait... the uncle is giving me $10 more! So nice of him.

Then I went for my driving lesson. Oh my when is my last time entering the circuit? I actually enjoyed my lesson that day and Tommy, my instructor, was cool that day. He really keepedme entertained. Ok But the lesson cost me $62.

Then I went home with an instant surprise treat from mum... She steam pau for me as there were left overs from Ching Ming.

Then I went to meet my friend, Alvin, at Singapura Plaza... Guess what. I actually want to meet him at Bugis Junction but I ended up taking a bus to bishan.. Haiz.. not paying attention ar Darren. In the end we met up at PS.
We enjoyed talking cock and planning our Taiwan Trip... Yes talking about Taiwan Dollar, we have two conflicting rates at two different money changers.. Alvin is a very nice guy and a man ful of integrity. Yes. I would feel good to go taiwan with him man!

When I returned home, I bought 4 packets of Durian. I wanted to leave one for Pa pa but guess what... Me and Ma finished all of them.

That pretty much summarizes the Sunday.

Now for the busy today. Yes.I have traced my contamination and now I know why... It's mymedia that has bacteria la... Haiz. Today got some thrashing from See Jye. Sometimes he really think that he is the boss, can screw people around. Ya da Ya da... Nevermind. I have patience ok!

Today Dr Ng spoke about the new plansfor transfection and also the teaching that I should give when the new student comes... yeah!

ok man... it's rather late... I've gotta sleep! nitez

Live this life... For others!

2008-04-12T23:25:00.004+08:00

Yeah! Today is the most meaningful day I had.. Just look atthe pics and you will know why!

A sweet visit to the OldFolk's Home... Very soon, I will be a regular voluteer here!

Another celebration today:

Dad's Bday dinner!

how disappointing!

2008-04-11T21:28:00.002+08:00

Hey. Do you know that all my effort for this month and last month have all gone down the drain! My cell cultures are all contaminated. Really..
Even my back up in the 6well plate has turned cloudy!!!
-Could it be my media? Sianz.

Now have to start all over again! Yeah...all my Saturday & Sundays that I spent for taking care of my cells have warrant to be fruitless. Well I can onlysay this has to do with my luck! Sigh... I have taken the necessary precaution but...

Ok enough!Haha. What is failure to me man! Now that I have this failure in mind, I will be even extra careful in future!

Well. Today I was busy with ELISA. Dr Ng ask me to redo again because my control shows discrepencies. So Today I was super busy because I stretch my dilution of standard rightdown to one pico-gram per ml. Which is almost nothing la. But it is just fun to play around and see what happens. By the I proposed this trail one! haha.. But the results doesn't seemed that convincing again- with some kinks at odd place on the absorbance curve. I've spent last night coming up with the protocol. Again- My hardwork didn't pay off!

Hopefully next week will be a better week! With transfection on Wednesday and media prep on Monday. Me being a teacher on Tuesday for an attachment student. Damn it man! I can't live without working hard!

Let's leave the unhappiness behind and move on!

Hey I am excited about tomorrow!!! Must be a good day ahead man!

I will be heading to an old folk's home tml to do some voluntary work and to gain more insights to life, as well as to spend sometime with my good friend- Josephine!
Haha. After that we will be going for my dad's b day dinner. So let's rock on!

At the end of the day, it is just a day--- It really depends on how you live your day. so don't waste it away!

A great great day with my Colleague!

2008-04-09T23:08:00.002+08:00

Hey I was very inspired to enjoy my life to the fullest! Thanks to my colleague! I really learnt a lot today. She said to me:"I don't eat to live; I live to eat".

I can't believe myself. For the first time, I was actually enjoying food! I found the meal that I had with her was in the right proportion, having a good mix of "unhealthy food" and healthy food... It was the first time that I ate the fats of the chicken and fried cheese, without any second thought. I feel "natural" as in I think it is part of the meal. I also went about discussing the aesthetic aspect of the food and where to get good food and things like that!

She gives me the distinction between a glutton and foodie. Gobbling up food to satisfy hunger is different from tasting the richness and variety of good food!

Haha.. not going to say too much.. I had a busy work day today.. But not very good results.. Tough experimet though.. ok I end here with Food Diary!

Breakfast: Salmon bread with egg
snack:
Lunch:
Snack:
Dinner: Minty Pumpkin soup + Fried cheese with garlc bread + Chicken&mushroom walnut bread+ a slice of hot sauce chicken chop+ Dark Devotion (Choc brownie & hot choco lava with vanila ice cream and caramalised sugar ---> all in TCC cafe!
Supper: Just choco milk

I feel great. I feel lucky. No, God blessed me!

2008-04-08T21:43:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, I have arranged with Josephine to do some voluntary work at an Old Folk's home. I am really glad that we bot have the same idea! I can't wait for this Saturday man!

Today, is another milestone for my pre-career research life. I finally succeeded in my ELISA experiment to yield a nice standard curve! Wow.. Even Dr Ng praised me! I was damn happy ma! Harder than striking 4D!(exaggerating). Good, if I manage to maintain such consistency, my reslts can be used for his research papers and to help to Bio community to come up with a reliable and cost effective ELISA kit. Antibodies are expensive, needless to say, those ready made kits out there.. US$800 dollars each and not really that reliable.

Lovely! I am quite proud of myself today! I was able to command more trust from Doctor NG as he handed me more flask to take care and ask me to carry out more transfection!

I am really happy. Positive mood is what I seek to have each day. With that, I will definitely recover faster. Today, I had a good chat with my colleagues too! John and Cherie were like joking at each other's boobs. Cherie even asked me if want to drink milk... Damn x-rated man. Haha! Fun in the Lab!!!

I should have taken a photo of my ELISA plate... Damn nice gradient of colour intensity!

ELISA 2F- 08/04/2008
1st Well	2nd Well
0.4927	0.4621
0.5562	0.579
1.8878	2.0177
3.2924	3.554
3.9857	4
4	4
Negative Control
0.0738	0.0582

ok Food time:

Breakfast:Salmon bread
Snack:Muesli
lunch:Lor mee
Snack:Milo
Dinner:beef soup with rice + spinach+ broccoli
supper:soymilk with oats

Yeah! My Handphone is repaired

2008-04-07T22:01:00.002+08:00

Happy!!! I hope my phone is not going to give me more troubles! Today's tuition was quite delightful. I received praises from my tutee's mother saying that Kathy has actually improved! Well although one test doesn't prove that point but at least it is a good initial step! I must say that Kathy's hard toiled effort has much to be accounted for. As a tuition teacher, my only wish is to see my students get good results but at the same time, enjoy learning that subject. I tried to teach my students technique instead of knowledge because with soft skills and the ability to analyze, one can tackle a myraid of problems.

Today I speak of being busy. Then I thought of the phrase- Do not let your mind idle. Yes, my uncle say that to me. It is something not about productivity; it is about keeping your mind rooted to being righteous. Tough but an essential task.

Right now, I am given more responsibility. Dr Ng really trusts me so much. I really respect him too. He is a flexible and righteous supervisor!

Ok guys here's my food diary!

Breakfast: Oats
Snack: peanut butter bread
Lunch:Fish Ban Mee with meat dumplings
Snack: MILO
Dinner: Rice+black pepper pork+cabbage+tofu+carrot soup
Supper: Muesli

Today's busy man!

2008-04-07T14:15:00.002+08:00

Yes sir.. 5 flask and still counting.. Sorry six in total.. Today another sample just get promoted again.. This means that every Monday and Thursday would be damn busy for me la! got 6 flask to passage at one go.. I just had a mighty lunch with a male colleague(for the first time). His name is steven! Ya I used to work with him at level 4.. Kinda cool guy but seldom talk. Today he approach me suddenly and asked me whether I wanna go for lunch.. Yeah! Of course la.. Buddy buddy me! At least he better than SEE JYE man!

Ok gota have a look at my batch two sample and prepare for ELISA tomorrow. Like I said. I am BUSY!

New insights...

2008-04-06T15:44:00.003+08:00

Morning

I had an early breakfast and had a good night's sleep! Before my tuition lesson, I chance upon an ugly article, reporting the case of Susilo and Lee Jia Wei. I knew it would be an unhappy marriage right from the start. Love is not money ok!

Tuition

Today's lesson was slightly different. I concentrated more on techniques of solving questions and on practice problems. Then, I was actually quite frustrated at one point while teaching because he doesn't seem to put in any effort into reading up his note and memorizing the key points. What I taught him, doesn't seem to internalize. Kind of sad if you see that what you have put in so much patience and care is rejected by someone. What teachers want at the end of te day is to see their students do well. I am quite disappointed in him and then I spent about 15 mins talking to him after the tuition. After a man to man talk with him, I realized that he was more or less lapsing into my condition... I asked him whether he feels guilty when he did not exercise. He nodded.I realy empathize how he feels when I was at his stage. Of course, I am worse and my compulsions were so great that I even did crunches in ICU. So I knew what I should do and I did what I had to do... To be a friend and no longer a "teacher", to tell him about being aware of the addiction of exercise and knowing what's the LIMIT. I told him that there are better things in life that we can spend our time on. After the session, he seemedhappierand closer to me. There was no tension between us. I really hope he can register what I said: Please focus on your studies, not sports! Haha.. butI know how hard it is to kill the compulsion. Come to think of it, I have let down my parents too. They have showered care and concern for me but I have rejected them. After turning over with this new life, I really cherish this family andI don't want their efforts to go down to the drain..(p.s. To Justine: This is exactly what you told me. Think about what my parents have done for me)

Hey! I tried Ba Chang (Chinese Glutinous Rice Dumplings) today! Wha for a very very long time... This item has not entered my mouth. Ok... I was kinda daunted when I touched the leaves covering the dumpling- They were oily and greasy and yucky.... Hmmm ED thoughts? But I went to wash the dumpling in water... Thinking it will wash away some oil (silly me) and then I stop short of these little action and tell myself to just enjoy the food. So I melt some cheese on top and place some sauce beside it. Wow. actually it is damn nice la! However, what is still difficult for me is the chunks of fats that really irks me. I sort of pas them to my daddy, who gobbled them up. Haiz.. When can I overcome this truama or is it ok to remove skins and fats? Not that I feel fat after eating them; It is just that I hate the texture of the fats and just feel wierd if I ever bite into one. It is just like biting into a piece of ginger. (I know, bad analogy)

Ok guys.. I am off to do some maths.. Bye bye!

Brave new front!

2008-04-05T21:47:00.003+08:00

Hey hey... Aside from the magnificient work today, I went out with Cherie, my colleague! I was brave enough to divulge my condition to her. Nowadays, I feel this new boldness in me, to face this world with my condition, my sickness. Hey who wants to be sick man? No one ok. So I am not ashame to tell others my ordeal and that my life is so much better now- with a brighter day ahead!

I found out that we both share the same ideal- Life is short and we should cherish it and be nice to ourselves. She even confessed to me that she also had instances of being suicidal. Ifind that actually, I find alot of motivation and aspiration from her too. Apart from being friendly, I like the way she portrays her confidence. She mentioned to me that her parents keep complaining that she is too fat. Well she is a happy go lucky girl where size does not matter. I agree. Body image is important but body size is secondary. Inner beauty, your character says it all.

Cherie will be someone who will bring me luck and motivation in my company.. She is really like a big sis to me!

Our dinner was crazily long! Good way to test my control, my ability to sit still. We spend our time talking about Japan, proposing future trips, talking about her family and her attitude towards gays... Wow... wide range of topics. for a stretch of 2 hours, we spend our time in coffee bean and coffee club.

It was kind of like a rejuvination of my soul. ok Recharged, I head back to office for some cell work. Oh my... I really love my CHO cells... My IDPA sample got promoted... With 91.0% viability la! so high! must be damn happy la!

Today is excetionally quiet. But I did enjoy the serenity! Haha.. now back home reading some HTML. See ya!

Congratulations to my SISTER!

2008-04-04T23:50:00.004+08:00

Presenting to you.... Louise Neo Pei Jin

Guys, I have only one sis and I really love her. Sad to say, I've really neglected her and my condition have let my parents paying more attention to me as compared to my sis. I hope Mei Mei you'll understand this. Kor Kor is becoming a better person ok! No matter what, I really love you and I want you well! Never follow my footsteps.

Ok people, I have something to announce: I am going to watch a movie tomorrow! Hey! That is another freaking challenge and then I am going to eat dinner after that, which is followed by a trip back to my lab to see my cells.... Or rather to give them their lives! Oh yes... and I am not ashame to say that I will be catching myfirst R21 show! I am above 21 ok! I am an adult!

Hmm... Before I sleep I want to think intellectually again. Today I want to touch on graviton the theoratical particle/force mediator responsible for Gravity.

Lets review...

1. Electrcity and magnetism--> same thing--> Electromagnetic force

Force mediator: Photon

Charge: neutral

Mass: zero inertial mass

Range: intermediate

2. Strong force

Force mediator: Gluon

Charge: Colour charge

Mass: Zero???

Range: very short. Inverse power 6

3. Weak force

Force mediator: Z, W Boson
Charge: Neutral, +, -
Mass: Few to high electron mass

Range: short

So far, we have only "seen" photons and Bosons. Gluon cannot be easily isolated because simplyit is too highly unstable. Hypothesis says the release of strong force( like atomic bomb) will result in an almost immediate disintegration into weak force which results in particle changes, responsible for beta decays...

Now let's focus on Graviton. In theory, these force mediators could be quantified as particles, due to their interaction with matters while having, in principal, wave like properties. That is why people like to represent strong/weak force interaction as curly waves in a feynman diagram like this:

Then Graviton could in thoery have wave-like properties. Please bear in mind that when we discuss about force mediators, we are actually delving into the realms of quantum theory. In fact, if we look at the bigger picture, quantum theory has no significance. The irony is that, gravity has negligible effect in the microscopic scale, needless to say, in the quantum realm. So how are we going to quantize gravity?

It is a question that is baffling many physicists. It is einstein's dream to see his General relativity have its place in the quantum reality... Some question the analogy which motivates the introduction of the graviton. Unlike the other forces, gravitation plays a special role in general relativity in defining the spacetime in which events take place. Because it does not depend on a particular spacetime background, general relativity is said to be background independent. In contrast, the Standard Model is not background independent. In other words, general relativity and the standard model are incompatible. A theory of quantum gravity is needed in order to reconcile these differences. Whether this theory should itself be background independent, or whether the background independence of general relativity arises as an emergent property is an open question. The answer to this question will determine whether gravity plays a "special role" in this underlying theory similar to its role in general relativity.

So people aretrying very hard to reconcile the two giants.. Relativity & Quantum.... Now you have the superstring theory. Why? Because with the string concept and an approach with higher dimensions, it could be possible to find the missing link.

black holes and revelation

2008-04-04T13:34:00.002+08:00

Imagine a black hole right here on earth.... What will happen?

Chaos la! The whole earth would be sucked into itself. Actually, this was what was being postulated by some scientists all over the world admist the building of World's largest particle collider at CERN.

Personally. I think it is just too much of a fascination. Unless we are able to create a massive particle that has very small volume. Then density would be so high that a black hole could be formed. I am quite certain why some scientist would be disapproving of investing so much on the supercollider. Firstly, This kind of science would not be very beneficiary to mankind. What is the benefit of discovering a new particle or working out the mechanism of big bang? Secondly,the discovery of more particle would spell more trouble to the already chaotic particle physics. I was just wondering how nice it would be if people just forsake pragmatism for a moment..

Well I just wan to add something about my mum here. Was actually quite happy to see her smiling so brightly this morning! It is such a rare sight. Mum has always been a very caring and meticulous person. She takes a lot of pride in what she do and what she believes in. I really love my mum just that she can be caustic at times and her moods swings in a chaotic fashion. Ultimately, I must say she is still my role model- a model for confidence and practicality.

Well I am just looking forward for tonight's program.. which is to support my sis in her prize giving ceremony! Can't wait!

Always All Ways (Apologies, Glances And Messed Up Chances)

2008-04-03T22:28:00.003+08:00

This song is dedicated to Seh Zhi Wei:

I guess I'm trying to say I'm sorry,

But it always comes out wrong,

I think a part of you still loves me,

Even though we're moving on.

Always, all ways I wanted us to be,

Always, all ways you and me,

And I wait here on my own,

And I wait for you to see,

All the time I spend alone now won't comfort me,

Always all ways...

And I'm sorry for what happened,

But I want you there to see,

That I'm changing all my actions,

I don't wanna set you free.

Always, all ways I want to see you through

Always, all ways me and you

And I wait here on my own,

And I wait for you to see,

All the time I spend alone now won't comfort me.

'Cause I'm waiting for you,

Yeah, I'm waiting for you,

Give me answers, get me through,I will wait...

Always, all ways I wanted us to be,

Always, all ways you and me,

And I wait here on my own,

And I wait for you to see,

All the time I spend alone now won't comfort me.

P.SI don't want to lose a friend like you. I'm Sorry. I know It takes time but I will wait....

This letter written by my senior, Paul, in cornell really touched my heart. Here it is:

Hey Darren,

Dunno if you remember me but I think we've talked a couple of times. I wanted to say thanks for your email - it was so encouraging to read about how you've been fighting and overcoming in your struggle, and I imagine it must have taken a lot of courage to write, especially to so many people.

So I'm just writing to send some encouragement back to you, as a brother in Jesus Christ. Press on to know him more! I'm thankful that he's allowed you to see that U-Turn point and that he's given you joy in turning around. Sounds like your particular struggle is pretty rare (most people seem to be struggling to exercise more, not less, haha), but then again, we are really all broken people... just broken in a million different ways. We'll struggle with porn addictions or lust or depression or a host of other things, but just keep it to ourselves. So I admire your courage in bringing your struggle out into the light by letting people know about it.

Also, I think when God takes us through the depths, the really low points - like what you have been going through in your struggle with exercise and eating - that's when we learn to see him more clearly, and trust him more, and grow deeper in him. A blessing in disguise, as you said. So really take hold of it... get as much blessing out of it as you can =)

Please let me know if there's anything i can pray for you too.

Paul Liew

Ok. Now for some HTML practice...

so good nite guys!

tuition cancelled again...

2008-04-03T12:56:00.002+08:00

Wha my this tuition kid keep cancelling tuition ar... My time wasted you know! But nevermind man! There will always be plan B! I am just to dependent on things to occupy my mind, so as to focus my thoughts to something more productive. In essence, I am still that kind of perfectionist person. I can't live without doing anything which I deem useful, if not I will be wasting precious time and effort!

Well, at least I have an ELISA experiment to keep me company and A HTML reference book to keep me facinated. Yup, since tonight's tuition is cancelled, I was hoping mum and dad would bring us to somewhere to have a good dinner.

This morning's breakfast is the same powerhouse beef soup! Wha.. It tide all over to 1030am. Quite filling. Still got around 20 minutes before my next step.. better go and dilute my reagents... Bye! take care people!

On the highway of recovery...

2008-04-02T22:26:00.002+08:00

Woke up late today. 30 mins later! HAHA.. why? Today got blood test ma.
Excited. Yes. But more of anxiety because I will never know how my blood test result will fare.
How would I rate myself? Well I would say definitely it is a great improvement. To sit infront of my laptop to type all these things is definitely a solid evidence. Well I must really thank the team of doctors who really cared for my well being. I know that in their hearts, they really want us to get well and seeing us turning from "radical" to a rationale human being is what gives them the greatest gratification over their jobs. Ms Boon said something which really struck upon me as a very useful way to overcome this "sickness"-Bulimia. She said that the only way to overcome this problem is to come clean with yourself and be open about everything. She commented that the move that I made to email about my present condition to the Singaporean students in Cornell was a bold and crucial step towards healing.
One thing that I learnt today is that eating disorder is a very selfish "person". The evil Darren used to be rude, self centred, exercise-centric, food-minded; everything about myself and no considerations for others. How bad this was! I keep emphasising how scary I was last time. Come to think of it, I am actually quite scared of my past. At that time, I thought I was an elite; Now, I think that was more like a monster.

Now that I can see myself gaining more meat and with my liver/kidney functions back to status quo, I am more and more like a normal person. It may seem strange to talk about normalcy for a human being but that is what I exactly strife for, to seek balance in life and as what Prof Yap said, learning how to manage your life. Darren. You are 21 years old already. Please have your wings (or rather limbs) back. I really want to see myself as an independent, yet sociable Darren!

Frankly speaking, there are few things which really perk up my life right now and helped me to channel my focus to productivity instead of ED thoughts. ED thoughts are provocative, seductive and deleterous.
The Number one is Family Bonding:
-The love and care of my parents toward me
-Motivation and support
-I want my sis to see me as a source of inspiration
-Positive yet frank criticism

The Number two is Work:
-Work at BTI gives me a chance to get innoculated with the "working society" vaccine, ie. it trained me to intergrate with the workforce of Singapore and how to interact with others.
-It fuels my passion for creativity and intellectual expansion
-It gives me a tremendous amount of responsibilty and sense of belonging- It made me felt that I am actually someone useful and that I can contribute!
-It brings me new friends and perpective to life
-Part time work as a tuition teacher is also very very gratifying!- I love to seemy students excel under my guidance, which gives me a lot of satisfaction
-It also trains me to sit still, talk and nothing else... no Exercise ok!
-It give my brain a wake up call to those knowledge that I have long placed aside

The Number three is Friends:
-My Marist friends, TJC friends and people who really care for me and want the old Darren back!
-My friends back there in Cornell, who are willing to accept my apology and still regard me as a good friend. I have a morale responsibility to recover and I must mean what I say.
-Josephine. Why This special friend of mine? She is a occupational Therapist ok! Her Words to me really meant a lot for my recovery and messages that she sent to me were really motivating! can see that she has an innocent heart, one that really wants to see me through this condition.

The Number four is God:
-O'er whom shalt be against thee?

Yeah man! Manage to get back to work and achieve what I set out as my task for the day.
My IDP sample wentinto a flask le! Yeah.. Please.. No contamination please!!!

Ok. Tomorrow is the showdown for ELISA man. Must do well!

Very soon there will be a chart here about thoughts from ED and thoughts from Yoman. Let's see the battle.

for now: FOOD DIARY!

Breakfast (Today's Special): Eggs+Salmon+bread+oats
Snack: an apple from life centre
Lunch: 1/2 a QQ rice ball+ sirlion steak+ small serving of spaghetti+ tomato soup
Snack: 1 slice of peanut pancake
Dinner: Mince meat with yong tau fu+ Onion/hotdog omelette+ Broccoli/cabbage
Supper: Muesli with a pear!

Reinforcements have arrived.

2008-04-01T21:13:00.003+08:00

Splendid. My Enzyme avidin-HRP has arrived!

Yeah. More arsenal for ELISA trail. Today's Elisa is a hidden success. At least I've isolated the problem and I've got the actual conditions for saturation and now it is just left with a few tweaking of conditions here and there to get a good range of absorbance value for my IFN standard curve.

I had A stupid april fool's joke from See Jye. He bluff me by tricking meinto believing that my samples are contaminated. Wha lau! Scare the hell out of me la.. I work so hard ok!

Then something funny happened to my colleague today- You can say that it is an April Fool's scare: My colleague, Swan Li, was doing lab safety duty this afternoon. I was at level 3 lab and she popped by to check the overhead emergency shower. All of a sudden, the system was oversensitive (I think) and it started to gave her a cold shower. She was like screaming for help la! So cute!

ok... At least helped to mop the floor not just laugh.

I saw myself staring infront of many many excel sheets and decided to take a picture to ease my stress. Yeah! To Peggy--> this is how I look now! A bit more meaty right?

OK man. Tml myblood test. Wish me all the best!

Take care people!

Oh no to plan B

2008-04-01T14:39:00.002+08:00

Hey.. Dr Ng just advised me not to go through harvesting the "leftover" because it is really fruitless. The number of cells that I salvage would be to little for continuation.

Anyway, this morning, I started out damn early. Thank goodness there is another hood for SayKong group, if not I really have to battle it out with See Jye.
Guess what? Alvin Fu called me this morning to tell me the dates for Taiwan trip. Looks good man. I am really keen on going Taiwan with him. $1000 here you go.

Time is not on my side, a while more, I will be down in my lab a few minutes time! ELISA is really painful.. Ask those who did it, it is one of the longest assays.
Ok.. Hopefully today's result will be the best. If not.... I have wasted so much antibodies le...

Ok. see you guys later.

OH NO!

2008-03-31T11:55:00.003+08:00

This is maddening... My IDP samples are really polluted with bacteria. Super foul smelling. I hate this. My hard wrok for 5 weeks are gone. Haha! But I've got plan B and if plan B don't work, I really have to start all over again!

Lovely. But I enjoy my work, it keeps me excited and curious... Fills my time, heightens my creativity.

The truth is my life has become really hectic. But I love it. Ok Today, I think I overdo it! HAHA.. I was hogging my time up with many cell counts, harvesting and two passages. The Cedex machine had a long queue today... So I resort to the laborious manual counting and then using the machine to double confirm.

What really fire me up was the injustice man. My IDP sample!!! Luckily I have heed Dr Ng advice to salvage the remaining cells after each stage of well transfer. So, I manage to make myself busy by cracking my brain to combine whatever samples I have, trying to estimate the cell density that I will be getting from these "leftovers".

Then I went to generate my work plan for the week, prepare reagents for ELISA and decide to carry out one ELISA Trail tomorrow. This time, I discovered another mistae that I have made for the past.... I use the wrong substance for dilution.
So I really want to prove that I am not that blur ok! Argh.. One more chance for myself!

Alright man, have the chance to do a little math today. Hopefully I can read up on the Thick Java book that I borrowed!

Ok now for the Foodie...

Food Diary:

Breakfast: Peanut&Jam bread+ one egg + one herring fillet
Snack: Oats
Lunch: Yong Tau Fu
Snack: Soyabean Drink
Dinner: Rice + beef & Tofu + French bean and cabbage
Supper: High Fat yogurt plus muesli

Nice transition to a Sunday!

2008-03-30T16:56:00.005+08:00

Wha! I have to wake up so early today! Hehe.. not so early actually but relative to what time I sleep last night ok! Life is quite hectic on weekday but weekends are time which I am spending to learn how to laze around, how to sit still to read books and type my Bloggie.

As mention, I was outwith my daddy last night, after returning from my office. Gosh, my IDP samples looks contaminated.. This time it is more real! The whole flask was like super cloudy man. I was quite frantic ast night, trying to fit into my brain the possible tasks that I can deal with concurrently. My cell count went well and definitely, without queue!

Yeah! I went to have a great super with Dad at Coffee Club ^©
Now that I've learnt how to realx, actually sat in the cafe for two hours reading and eating, and of course, talking to my dear daddy. Daddy is really so nice to me. I really have to show my respect for him.

SUNDAY

Yes, I just can't wait to go chrch with Jose Neo, partly because I haven't been there for 4 weeks le. Kinds sad how I treat God this way. But I really do loveGod as He is my saviour and righteous redeemer.

After church, we went to TM forlunch and to buy some stationeries. I must say Jose is one nice girl. She really has a good heart. Friends that are truly concern for you are hard to come by...

After we parted, I went back home to prepare formy driving lesson. I love this instructor because he really knows how to teach! He taught me what to look out for, even which traffic junction most driver failed he also know.
PLEASE!!! I WANT TO PASS!

Ok. Now I am reading up some HTML language stuff. Hopefully, I can gain enough knowledge to beautify this page.

ok man... SO long! good bye!

What a blank Saturday, filled up with activities out of the blue!

2008-03-30T01:31:00.002+08:00

Today seemed boring. However, I was rebellious against boredom. I was fighting tough against it, telling myself doing nothing is a form of relaxation. However, things fall into place naturally as thought of things which i could do.

I had a splendid and awesome time with my Dad today- For lunch and supper. Not only that, I gave my grandma my very first dinner treat to her and manage to borrow my much sought of Java and computing book by the library.

I went to office late at night to take care of my cells...

I am going to church tomorrow! yeah! good night!

Wha haven sleep yet lei!

2008-03-29T02:19:00.002+08:00

Introducing, My Marist Gang:

Haha.. I am still up! Just had a late nite super with my marist gang!

Just had lots of fun there! certainly! Ivan with his dirty jokes... Thanks Marcus for the nice food! Yeah!

Had mutton soup!

Let me see. What to do when morning comes... hmm... Gonna do maths tomorrow, teach mei mei. OH SHopin with Ah ma!

Yeah!

Haha.. she will be glad to see me!

Today ELISA expt was a failure again but it was an expected failure and yet a good practice.

Ok man... Received a good & encouraging message from Jose Neo! Alrighty.. Going sleep with nice nice dreams! Take care guys!

TO: Marcus Foo Guo Wen

2008-03-28T15:31:00.003+08:00

This entire entry is dedicated to my best friend, Marcus.

When I was Sec 1, still fresh in Maris Stella high, friends were the prime of my life. Life then was carefree- there was no contentious spirit, no jealousy and no desperation to get a girlfriend (boys sch what!). We live on each other, have fun together and also work hard together. Few friends become very close to me. Marcus is one of them. Together, we joined the band and in studies, we excel together. Although we played different instruments, we were in fact quite close together and we always spend our breaks during combine sectional drinking coke or discussing about life.
Then later on, I became a student councillor but Marcus was still very friendly towards me and treat me as "the usual Darren". I still remember the day when we took photo together, our very first photo. Sec 1 and 2 went past very fast. During sec 3, our friendship went through a period of trial and it made our relationship stronger. We manage to entire Sec3B, a triple science class. There, we continued our intellectual discussions, religious talks and we did many fun things. The most memorable ones would be WWE-Wrestling in class, which i am sure Marcus is most proud of, and the inauguration of the Cucumber football club.
However, during the mid term of sec 3, we had a very bad quarrel, because I broke Marcus promise to skip a band practice. This sort of betrayed his trust. I was quite remorseful at that time because Marcus is my best friend and has always been one to me. Thank God we forgave each other and let the matter rest; we went of with life and strife for more progress. End of sec 3 saw the dream of two of us progressing into biological research work. We were having a course on Biology organised by AMBDON. We then shared the dream of opening up a Bio company in the future! Haha...
Then Sec4, our relationship became even more solid! Due to the approach of O' Levels, we began to organise a weekly clandestine meeting, which we call the alliance, to combine our wits together to study and tackle tough questions.
Yes, the end of Maris Stella marks the physical separation between us, but not the mental and spiritual. Still, we kept in contact with each other and this continued through the army period.

However, the frequency of meeting up became lesser and lesser till we even have different interests. To me, I was caught up with exercise and there goes my social circle.

Before I flew of for my studies, I find myself in a very difficult position. My Marist friends were always there for me but yet, I felt that there was a barrier between us. I could not connect with them. They talked about girls, soccer and clubbing. Me? I only have exercise and studies in mind. The ultimate showdown came when I joined them for a sentosa outing before I flew off. Instead of participating with them in the games, I went off for my own physical training.... How crazy was I! ... At the end of the games when it was rest time and when I came back from my run, Marcus came to me and ask me to a corner. Then he started to probe into my life, asking me about my behaviour. He was afraid that the friendship between the Marist gang and me became too diluted. Instead of talking normally, the crazy me was still doing push ups while talking to Marcus. I have no idea how rude was I. I was totally consumed by the condition.

Marcus afirmed that memories are memories but friendship is not history yet. Although we may not be very well linked with each other now, our hearts are still connected.

I was blind. Exercise made me more than myopic. I could not resist the evil one.. even on the day of my birthday where my friends attended my birthday party. I was ridden with eating disorder.

I must have broken Marcus heart. I must have failed as a friend. In Cornell, Marcus even gave me a long distance call to show his concern. I was really into depression at that time, suicidal and anti-social. I told him I was busy and I quickly ended our conversation. Great. What a friend am I!

Despite all this, Marcus was not let down. As soon as he heard news that I was back in Singapore. We asked me out.
When I was in SGH, he came to visit me. He took the initiative to ask me out for supper. I can see that he understands me very well. Marcus is still my best friend!

This is what I call all-weather/true friendship!

During new year, I went to his house one night and we had a solid two hours chat. He noticed the change in me. It was like a revival of the OLD DARREN; It waas like the baptism of Fire. I was particularly touched by his action, though subtle. His Dad was like asking me to eat but Marcus, nowing that I had Bulimia, told his Dad that I already had my dinner to avoid me from my frenzy eating. Thanks Marcus. I notice that your love as a friend never simmer. I will always cherish someone like you.

God Bless you and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Thanks for this wonderful friendship!

Back from Tuition.. TIRED!

2008-03-27T23:01:00.004+08:00

What a fulfilling day with sooooooo much activities!

Ok some pics from Today's farewell party:

Dr Janet!
delectable lunch

So I am pretty sure tomorrow will be more hectic: I got ELISA, passaging, IDP harvesting+cellcount. Yup. Hopefully can end by 5.30pm. Then Sunday have to come back again!

Meanwhile, I shall show you my messy worktable, which is always full of notes and stuff... But must thank the cleaner aunty,always help us wipe our tables!

(ps. I love my squeeky timer! )

Ok man! Today Auntie was nice to cook fried rice for me.. seafood version one + soup. Again, I really enjoyed teaching Kathy! She isso willing to learn and work hard!All her answers are so neat! ok.... I really have full confidence in her.

Lovely, 10 pm and I am back home and eft with less then two hours before bed time.... Hoho. Tomorrow or rather 45 mins later is one of my best friend's birthday. Tomorrow I would dedicate one blog entry for this faithful and precious friend of mine: Marcus Foo Guo Wen

for now, FOOD DIARY!

Breakfast: Corn beef with bread
Snack: muesli with hazelnut milk
Lunch: special indian menu... ( hey Ms Boon, I ate Oily stuff! Oily Brinjal, curry and and more curry!
Snack: Macademia steamed milk
Dinner:Seafood fried rice
Supper:Mr bean pancake + soy milk

All the Best to Dr JANET! Take care ya>?

2008-03-27T13:56:00.002+08:00

Today is one busy day for me again...

With my second batch of cell having their "promotion"
yes funny as it sound- Promotion!

This time round, I was a little later then usual so guess what... The CEDEX machine had a super long long long queue... Poor cells have to suffer in the falcon tubes without enough oxygen. haha
But i manage to multi task.. so I planned and I manage my expt such that I finish before noon.

Lunch was crazily out of the world! We held a party at level 3 pantry to wish Dr Janet well for leaving BTI tomorrow. Guess what's on the menu? The aroma could be smelt like 50metres away. Curry Smell.... Wha.. We had a good mix of spicy indian food and chinese pork dumplings.
I took a solo pic with Dr Janet.

We went to the fish pond to take picture as an entire act gang. Haha. I really love you guys man!

Then during my break I went to buy something funyy... Flavour steamed milk.. Quite expensive, considering such a small cup ($2.50) but taste wonderfully zesty! haha.

Ok pals.. I've gotta return to the lab for more solution preparation for Tomorrow's ELISA! hahahahahahahahahahaha.. 9 hours of torture! no la... I love it!

bye!

Words of encouragement and assurance by my parents!

2008-03-26T22:43:00.004+08:00

Meeting Cum Birthday celebration!--> Nice choco fudge cake!

Oh yes... Gonna upload some pictures from BTI here! Mr See Jye not happy ar...

Tonight I actually did something very positive (on my own definition), which is to solve some very difficult math problems... Really keep my mind focus man!

Actually on my way home, I was quite dissapointed with myself for screwing up my previous ELISA expt. I went to dilute 100 times instead of 250 due to a clculation error. No wonder my standard curve saturates so fast at 1000pg/ml standard. I sms Dr Ng to ask for "forgiveness". He is so merciful and he saidwe all make mistake and so cherish it by learning from it!

Ok are you guys ready for some high level thinking?

This afternoon, I was having some thoughts about parallel universe and graviton. The term parallel universe is actually kind of inappropriate because I take these universes from Hawking's point of view--> making Instances of different universe as probability, which means when we step into our very moment, what is infront of our eyes is actually the superposition of the wavefunction of the Universe! Wha. I was thinking whether this Forth spatial dimension could be that of the probability and that is why we can't view it. This is analoguos to the uncertainty principle. So when we want to observe exactly the universe of the next moment, the wavefunction collapses to give the observation,which is the universe that actually occur to you. In Dirac notation, it actually mean that A Hermitian operator is being applied to the wavefuntion and being projected into real space. Thus the imaginary space could be what we are looking for: The fourth dimension....

So we are saying, equivalently, that our Universe that materialises at this very instant, is the specific solution to a complex Fourier Series solution. The rest of the solutions are hidden in this volumous "extra dimension" waiting to be the one that would be the choosen one to be "observed".

A sudden thought dawn upon me! Could this be the way to explain Big Bang. Wait wait wait... Wha.. I am thinking a lot man. Going crazy le... Why do I say so...? See if big band actually occurs, there should be equal amount of matter and anti-matter produced. Why is it that we only observe matter in our universe and that anti matter can only be created (not found naturally)? ok this is a little bit complex

What I assume is theat uncertainty principle is making us dizzy. As we all know, Uncertainty principle can be expressed in terms of energy-time relation. When big bang happened, Vast amount of energy is converted into mass, creating matter/anti-matter pair. At various instances, the universe is expanding, which means to allow the observation of the universe, the parallel universemust constantly superimpose to give what is reality. The thing is we can very sure about the time frame of activities of the expanding universe and the certainty of energy levels becomes hazy. (compromise) So out of luck(probability), energy flux tends to the creation of matter. From then on, matter creation becomes more probable and soon, matter outnumbers anti-matter. And now we've got a stable matter-universe. (because probability of the anti-matter universe being observed is super hell low)

Ok. Then why is it that we observe equal pair production for a single photon? All I can say is that the energy level of one photon is so low compared to that which is needed to create the universe. Now time is the uncertainty. haha.. guess I am baffling you people.. Take a break, have a food diary man.

Food Diary:

Breakfast: bread with cheese and a glass of milo

Snack: almond nuts with muesli

Lunch: Wanton noodles

Snack: Choco cake

Dinner: Corned beef/pork + cabbage

Supper: muesli

Way to go...!

2008-03-26T13:50:00.003+08:00

This Morning while climbing the freaking slope up to Biopolis, I saw Dr Janet and immediately greeted her! Then you know what her said.... She said " Darren, you seemed to be so happy every moment!" Dr Janet, is one of the first few scientist that I've got acquainted with when I stepped into BTI.. This Friday will be her last here in BTI. She will be leaving us for Germany and she revealed That she will be starting her new job right away on next Monday.

Today got quite a lot of cell work to manage. There's bad and good news... Good news is that My ID sample has promoted to the shake flask level! The bad news is that my I sample has demoted to 24 wells/5 days cycle. haha.. Looks like my weekends are burnt of by this job. But you know what? Passion, purpose and Drive is what leads me on!

I've got ACT general meeting at 2 to 4pm. Then we are celebrating Mariati's and Wan ping's birthday after that... Haha. The meeting was a session of translational practice for me. All of them seemed to be speaking a foreign language. I really can't decode what biological terms they are engaging on. So I just have to keep the question marks to myself. At the end of the meeting, Janice went to take out the beautiful choco cake. (haha Ms boon, it's another sinful pleasure)
Manage to take a few picture and talk to our main stars for today!

Hmmm. When I was back to my desk, Dr Ng told me to decide my own next ELISA expt.. Wha he is giving me full autonomy man. You know what, he is super busy today man. He looked enclosed in level 5 lab for the whole day. Good good.. looks like I've got business to plan!

Then I received a special email, which I will not reveal much of its content but I am just going to say that it is always comforting to know that there are people around you facing the same problems... But the heart of the matter is that through mutual motivation, problems could be overcomed easier. To those who is suffering eating disorder or other psychological disorder, have faith in yourself and look at the positive side of your recovery! You have only this one life, so cherish yourself and your body!

Before I end here, I want you people to know the Body Peace treaty:

-Remember that the sun will still rise tomorrow even if I had one too many slices of pizza or an extra scoop of ice cream tonight.
-Never blame my body for the bad day I'm having.
-Stop joining in when my friends compare and trash their own bodies.
-Never allow a dirty look from someone else to influence how I feel about my appearance.
-Quit judging a person solely by how his or her body looks — even if it seems harmless — because I'd never want anyone to do that to me.
-Notice all the amazing things my body is doing for me every moment I walk, talk, think, breathe...
-Quiet that negative little voice in my head when it starts to say mean things about my body that I'd never tolerate anyone else saying about me.
-Remind myself that what you see isn't always what you get on TV and in ads — it takes a lot of airbrushing, dieting, money, and work to look like that.
-Remember that even the girl who I'd swap bodies with in a minute has something about her looks that she hates.
-Respect my body by feeding it well, working up a sweat when it needs it, and knowing when to give it a break.
-Realize that the mirror can reflect only what's on the surface of me, not who I am inside.
-Know that I'm already beautiful just the way I am.

Love yourself and those who care about your well being!

Take care!

More crazy ideas!

2008-03-25T21:54:00.003+08:00

Hey Hey I am back! Whaha.. It is so good today! I wish everything would go smoothly tml! Oh yes. To Mariati and Wan Ping-> Happy Birthday! Haha!

Ok somemore fascination! I just thought of parameterizing object. A line/plane can be parameterize by one variable. A surface can be parametrized by two variable. So how a bout a volume. This is so crazy... I am trying to think of more clues...

Quoted from wiki: "In physics, the Fifth dimension is a hypothetical extra dimension beyond the usual three spatial and one time dimensions. Some scientists have speculated that the graviton, a particle thought to carry the force of gravity, may "leak" into the fifth or higher dimensions which would explain how gravity is significantly weaker than the other three fundamental forces. The Kaluza-Klein theory used a fifth dimension to unify gravity with the electromagnetic force, and now is seen as essentially a gauge theory with gauge group the circle group. M-theory suggests that space-time has eleven dimensions, seven of which are "rolled up" to below the sub-atomic level."

how I wish one day. I will discover the extra dimension.

Food Diary:

BreakFast: Cheese+ egg+ beef jerky+ bread
Snack: Muesli
Lunch: Mixed rice
Snack: milo
Dinner: Chicken+ Tofu+ egg+Wombok+ mushroom
Supper: Weet-bix

More support from friends!

2008-03-25T13:19:00.003+08:00

Yeah! Just got more emails form friends in Cornell wishing me well. Thank you pals..! One of the most important person I've gotta thank is Yuan Hong. He was the one who save my life back in Cornell. He was the one who woke me up from my disillusionment. Now, as a friend he even helped me with my housing rental, ap problem which I have dragged my friends down. He is one true friend that I can rely on. I also use his words as a statement to preach to thos out there who had similar experience as me or having suicidal thoughts- "Darren, You have a loving family that supports you. You have only this one life and you should cherish your life with them while there are still alive" -Yuan Hong. He then told me that his Dad passed away when he was 5. He is really a mature thinker.

Yes. I look forward to everywork day, as usual, because I am just an avid fan of research. Frankly speaking, today will not be that busy. Although responsibility is still there, I've got much more free time. What... FREE TIME! haha. Dun worry. Now I have mastered the art of managing my time. There is no such thing as free time. Time is just flowing and everyone has a fixed amount of it. It is just like the idea of free smses. It is not really free. So today, I went to do the necessary cell work in the morning. Guess what.. I saw See Jye again. Seriously, he is quite hardworking too.. always come as early as me to the lab.
I got a shock when I was using the Level 3 CEDEX machine. My cell count was registered ZERO. WTF! Out of all the hysteria, I saw a tag beside the screen- "CEDEX Spoilt" wha.. make me worry for nothing. Luckily See Jye told me there is another CEDEX at level 2 if not I have to resuspense my cell to do another harvest and manually count them again.

Then in the afternoon, I enjoyed my lunch with my lunch buddies from level 4. So long never go with them le. Because now I am stationed at level 3. As usual the funny John and the cheery Cherie plus cool Natasha was an entertaining bunch. They told me about their experience in Bintan and sharing their own scandals with me. This Cherie was like so happy to be taking leave for Japan. Then I ask her whether she would be keen on a trip to taiwan... She was actually quite keen on it. She even said she don'y mind sharing a room with Us(FU and me). wha... damn daring lei! haha.. Cherie has been very nice to me.. I can say she is one of the most helpful staff around and I always say she is my LADY LUCK. Whenever I ran out of reagent or accessories, bumping into her is an instant panacea to my woes. haha! Her good mornings in the labs really start my days!

Ok then after lunch, I pleaded Dr Ng to take a look at my supposed contaminated sample. To my relief, my BOSS confirm.. I say again.. Dr Ng confirm that it is not contamination!!!! Yeah. It is actually cell clump. Wha.. Phew if not my 22 days of effort will just go down to the drain. I almost threw my sample away when Janice told me with conviction that it is a contamination. Luckily, I ask the BOSS.

Today, actually I would like to lay down some of my theoretical pursuit that has been ongoing in my mind. It seemed to fascinate me. I treat theoretical physics and mathematics as part of my grand interest, something which would last throught my entire life.

I love to think and this is one reason why I think too much. haha. But this is a postive example ok! One might think what can theoretical physics do to the society. Frankly speaking, it only satisfy curiousity. Take for example, Fermat Last theorem. Andrew Wiles was the man who solved it. But what good did it do to the world? it only say a^n+b^n+c^n not equals to d^n in antoher words, pythagoras theorem does not extend to pwers beyond two. I mean what use is there to tell everyone that an equation beyong the power of two do not exist? Hmmm. ok. But what actually happened, as when I read the book about Fermat, is that what is contributing to the mathematics society is the new way to solving problems and a twisted approach which in the end solidified another area of mathematics. Andrew made use of elliptical and normal equations to solve it.

Ok, Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce my area of interest:

1. Fourier analysis and wavelets
2. Schrodinger equation and Hilbert space (quantum mechanics)
3. Higher dimension
4. Vector calculus and Tensor

Ultimately, I have a goal which is congruent to that of Einstein- To Find the equation that binds the four fundamantal forces of the world- Strong & weak nuclear force, electro magnetic force and gravity. Of which, gravity is the most difficult to grasp and link to the rest. Because of gravity, it seems that physics has enter a state of confusion when the quantum theory and general relativity have a growing lapse. Many have been trying to sew the two together but all have seen their effort gone to waste. Even Eistein tried to scribble the last few of his working before his death.

Ok. Why that four general topics? Actually it is all linked. Linking and making logical relation is the essence of science. That is what an equation all about. It equates or links the LHS to the RHS.
So why am I thinking of this four topics? It is because I find that these topics tend to inter-relate to one another to unravel the mystery of higher dimensions which woul simplify equations. We would need Fourier for the expression of particles as wave packets(superposition of sinusodal waves) and schrodinger to take care of the quantum mechanics portion. Then I need to extend this into higher dimensions, whereby vector calculus really simplifies a hell lot of things... Just look at Maxwell's equation for example, beautifully simplified electricity and magnetism in time and space into vector relations.
Lastly, Tensor would take us to even higher dimensions which is somewhat difficult to analyse because of our mental constrain. We live in our 3D world. We find it hard to add another spatial dimension. Some think that time is the other dimension but they are only half correct. Time to me is progressive and temporal. You cant really fix time unless you are travelling at the spped of light. So it doesn't make sense to extend a phyical object with an element of time. Think of the hassle that would arise when I say that " this ice block measure 3cm by 4cm by 8cm by 0 sec since measurement" I mean time is progressive so as long as the object remains with time, temporal dimensions can be neglected. The complication comes when object moves at high speed-- near speed of light. Spatial dimesion seemed to be compromised together with time. Time can be dilated, lengths can contracted. So together we call them space-time.

Ok. Now on why study higher dimension. There are several things that are left unexplained by physics. The big Bang(inflationary version) is one of them. Some mentioned with the help of advanced modern theory like superstring or m-brane theory that our actually universe consist of 10 or more dimensions... wowowowo.....
Let's go easy first. Let's try to visualize an additional spatical dimension.

Today, I will just discuss this because I would still want some time for study and not blog all the time. I just want to post an illustration.

Suppose you live in a 1D world. You can only move front or move backwards. So in your world you move from point A to Point B as on the diagram, with your path following the curve. Your vision tells you that this is the only path and the shortest path to get from A to B. But a friendly creature from the 2nd Dimension visited you and told you that you are actually walking "around" an "area". ok. You are confused by those two words. In your world there is only ahead and behind, there is only path but what the hell is area to you? So you begain to realise that what you have been doing all these years is to take a longer path and people from higher dimension are having an easier life by travelling straight from A to B instead of your circumvention.
Ok end of story. So what if We consider ourselves to be living in a 3D world and people from 4th Dimension comes to visit us? They would tell us that we are not making full use of space. Imagine, Singapore is so packed! how much more can we squeeze? But according to that "Hyper being" What we are locating ourselves with is only a projection of his hypervolume onto one of the volume.

Ok let's end with some maths...
-in 2D.... y=f(x)
-in 3D.... z=f(x,y).. to visualize this 3D surface, we can project it onto a level surface by making z a constant. Suppose z=x^2+y^2, so x^2+y^2=c--> this is a plane circle at a helight of z=c. So if we keep changing c to a range oof values, we can roughly visualize a segment of what the object looks like in 3D by superpositioning all level surfaces.
-in 4D.... w=f(x,y,z).. So now instead of drawing level surfaces, we have series of "Level" volumes. Haha.. just go and visualize an expanding sphere... try to superimpose them.

The point that I am making here is that the link between unexplained science maybe the fact that this invisble dimension is holding the secret. How can one photon split into two to form interference? But when one tries to intervene by trying to disclose which path is the photon taking, the interference pattern dissapears. How is one photon able to communicate with one another... faster than speed of light??? Quantum entanglement is one of the greatest conundrum of the new millenium. Looks like if an extra dimension can shorten distance....... it might not be travelling at spped of light even...

Ah......

Thanks for all the support people!

2008-03-24T21:07:00.004+08:00

It is great to have friends and even better to have caring friends! Wow! I've got so many words of encouragement and friendship affirmations after sending out the letter of apology to the cornell-singaporean mailing list. I am really very touched tonight, very very touched.

My friend Josephine had also truly touchned my heart. She really showed her concerns for my recovery and I really respect her candor towards this friendship. Looks like I have found another person whom I can open my heart to.

The third thing to be touched by the fact that I know that I am not alone and people are joining me in this fight with the evil one. I guess it is very comforting to know that there is always someone who is going through this with you and can empathize you fully. I just met a friend online and she really showered so much concern for me and revealed that she is also going through some disorder. Ithank her for being so brave to share with me. Hey Let's Jia you ok!

Now for some music!

Music Video:
href="http://216.180.244.187/videos/f/finger_eleven/paralyzer-2.html" target="_blank">Paralyzer by (Finger Eleven)

Music Video Code by Video Code Zone

Food Diary:

Breakfast: 2 slice of Bread with cheese spread and peanut butter.
Snack: Maple nuts oatmeal
Lunch: Mixed rice- sardine, cabbage, egg tofu
Snack: guava and milk
Dinner: Rice+beef+tofu+mixed veg
Supper: Muesli + Choc Milk

My apologies...

2008-03-24T14:48:00.002+08:00

Hey I've got a reply from the person whom I have hurt in Cornell.
He doesn't sound too happy still. However, I pray that the Lord will ease the tension between us. I pray that the Lord will bless Zhi Wei. I am sorry. Please forgive me, My Father.
His reply-->

"Hi Darren,
Glad to know that you are doing fine and recovering well. I understand that it's not really your fault and that nobody can be blamed.
As a result of your not returing to cornell, i believe your previous house tenants are facing some problems.
Please kindly contact them about it. My personal stand is that, at the critical point when they were deciding what to do with the house, they asked you about it and you said you'ld be coming back next fall, so they saved the spot for you. As a man, since you have put your signature down on the housing contract, I believe you should pay your previous house tenants the entire year's rent in order to be fair to them. Hope you will consider this seriously.
Hope to see you in a*star if there is a chance."

Ya. I really owe my friends there alot. Frankly speaking, they are very nice nice nice people. They came to visit me in the ICU at Cayuga and even bought farewell gifts for me. I could only say I am stupid to neglect them at the time I was there. About the housing, my point of contact is Yuan Hong, who told me everything. But he still have faith in me that I will come back. Unfortunately, the decisions for me to stay in Singapore,NUS were too late. It is about time to pay the rent. I know I am such a pain in the A**. I am sorry. Really.

Let me tell all of you. This is a mistake in my life. I will learn it. Nobody wants it but I can't shake my responsibilities off it. Since I am ridden with it, it is my duty to clear up the best, to lead, to excel and to overcome! I believe all this is possible because God gave me and revealled his mission for me. I am His son, His friend and His warrior. Glad I made the decision to battle with my Bulimia. Woe to you , O' evil one!

Ok man. Work work. I was kind of shock just know... I saw my passage 11 flask left with very little media inside... Who the hell who want to steal my cells man? funny Har... Den I saw another tragedy... It looks like my batch two ID sample has been contaminated.. Oh no! My hard work! There are clumps of green patches living with my cells!!! Oh no! Please I don't want this to happen. Haven't I treat you guys well?

Hmmm. Gues life is like that. But I have learnt how to learn to accept failure. Learning is a journey, not a destination---Yoman

Thousand and one apologies

2008-03-24T10:40:00.002+08:00

It is not easy taking the courage to write this. But if I don'y I feel guilty and perhaps ashamed of myself.

If you see this, my friend, I am really sorry. Please give me a chance to hear me out ok? Please accept me as a friend again ok?

I wrote this:

Dear Zi Wei,

Greetings! How’s everything going? Well I really don’t know whether you would delete this mail or at least take a peek. I am writing this letter as a man, as your previous friend and a room mate, to request for your forgiveness on my rashness and cantankerous disposition at that point of time in Cornell last year. Time flies, and it has been 4 months since I left that place to seek treatment back in Singapore.
If you are unaware, I am not coming back to Cornell anymore and I will be pursuing studies in NUS. During my stay in Cayuga Mental Institute, my depression was under control and I took a very positive outlook on life. At that point, I was still unaware of a condition that is still dragging on me. I was still blaming you for most of the things that happened. I am pretty sure that I can testify to you that it was not Darren in Cornell; It was Bulimia, the evil eating Disorder. I was not aware of this condition and compulsion was still holding me. Exercise is like my only friend and eating is my way of life. I shy away from you guys… I disgust you people by the way I eat, the way I exercise and running away from social events by hiding in my own corner. I was pitifully trapped in my own binge/purge cycle but instead of seeking help, I got drag down by depression, thinking that I am the only one in this world, feeling so lonely and thinking that you have “betrayed me”. You see I know these are all lies but I really was controlled by this disease.

Zi Wei, I am really sorry for blaming you, for being childish and for scaring you. Now that I have normalized, I am still intrigued by my supernatural ability to exercise so much and was utterly disgusted by my actions and attitude. Can I say something…. I hate my life in cornell. What the hell am I doing? Waking up 5am everyday to go gym, going gym in between classes, rejecting having dinner with you people so that I can have my own secret binges with buffet all alone. I became less and less like the Darren that I have used to be, the cheerful, playful and sociable Darren. Come to think of it, I am shameful of my past. I still remember that you have asked me out for swimming just before we flew off for Cornell. It was like more or less me and myself, happily telling you not to disturb “me” and letting me finish my 20 laps. Seriously, I must be insane. You’ve asked me out and I’ve transformed it into my own Physical Training session.

However, ever since I stepped into eating disorder program and was warded into SGH for 3 weeks, my life has been transformed. I know more about myself and whose voice am I hearing. I learnt that these guilt after eating is just silly and learnt how to listen to my hunger cues instead of restricting myself. Not only that, my greatest happiness was my freedom from the bondage of compulsive exercise. During my recovery, I found this the Hardest part to conquer. But in Jesus’s name, I did it. I told my father to threw away my handgrip in representation of my rebellion against my compulsion. It was difficult. During my recovery, I was still hiding in toilets, exercising. Getting caught by nurses doing crunches on bed and waking at night to exercise. As time goes by, with the help of medication, my family support and the correct channeling of my determination, I start to cut off my compulsion. Now, without exercise, I start to realize that there are so many beautiful things in life. I love the life that God has given to me. I really love my family for they are the one that I can always fall back upon to seek shelter and love. Lastly, I regained my friendships that I have lost through succumbing to the compulsions of my bulimic behavior. I thank my friends for the assurance of this renewed friendship and the fact that they have not looked down on me but are inturn impressed by the courage to start life afresh, to mend my broken tracks.

The treatment process was not easy but it is worth it. For this one year that I would be lagging behind my peers, I believe it will be a blessing in disguise. I believe that this is a U-Turn point set up by God that would deter me from heading nearer toward the Evil one.

Lastly, after explaining so much, I realize that there is still one part of me which is sadden, which is this inflamed relationship we had. Please forgive me, as I have forgiven myself. Please give me a chance to befriend you again. Please give me a chance to share that I really love you as a friend. I am truly sorry for the past, Zi Wei and I hope all will turn out bright for you.

I wish to hear something from you!

Your truely,

Neo Chi Jin Darren
Assistant Lab Officer
Animall Cell Technology
BTI, A*STAR

--------

Ok I must head back to the lab now to passage my cells before they overgrow. I also have to check whether the antibodies are running out... reporting to my supervisor later..

so long pals...

The most power pack sunday!!! Easter Sunday!

2008-03-23T20:08:00.004+08:00

Wow! What a fulfilling day! Wonderfully planned and went smoothly with fooling around with my CPK! haha! In fact, I was kind to mybody by treating it with lots of goodies today.

My morning started powerfully with mum's beef soup with bread. It was really good. I feel the power. Come on.. It is time to built more muscles by the ang moh diet! Haha. Then I had a good rest before I went to teach my tuition kid.

Today's tuition was quite different. Today, we used half of the session for test paper discussion. I made him more frustrated by revealing more mistakes in his answers.. Oh no! But quite dissapointing you know. I actually went through the same question with him before and he anyhow put an answer. Hmmm. I really want to help him!

My tuition kid, although lazy.. I think he is not lazy on purpose but he really packed his activities to the brim. Hmmm. Today, he gave me a physics TYS and told me that I can pass it to my sis. Yup... Thanks anyway!

Then I had my lunch and head to my office at BioPolis. Wha. Today I have to juggle between 3 plates of cells. Quite curious how my promoted cells would be like. When I did my cell count.... to my gretest relief... the viability of my ID and IDP cells were rather high! Looks like they are happy with me!

Guess what, I am not the only one in lab.. Who's there????? Mr See Jye.. so Sway! why must I see him everytime!!!! Lucky I used the CEDEX machine before him. Frankly speaking, he is actually a very nice person, just that he is not tactful enough.

I leave office also see him! Come on man. He really is my new office buddy le. Sorry Janice! No la.. Janice is still myl ady boss! YES MADAM!

Now for the part of the day that I am looking forward to. Not about servicing my phone, but after that! I am meeting one of my classmate that I am really impressed with. Recently, her words meant a lot to me; they intrigued me and enlightened me. I will live up to be the best that I can be, to take care and love thyself and to love my family and friends around me. Today, my meet up with her is a thing that I am very proud of. Why? It has been around two years since I approach a girl for a meet up. I manage to overcome my crazy self, to slow down my life and apreciate company, enjoy talking with friends. Oh yes, my classmate, Josephine, is different. She is sincere and speaks words of wisdom into me. Her presence is my motivation. Yes, I thank the Lord for this Easter day, for ressurecting the Dead Darren to a lively yoman again! Yes! I am no longer against any girls or being chauvanistic. I want to be a gentleman and not be afraid to talk to girls!

Josephine is so nice to me! Truely, I will cherish someone like her! Oh yes, we ate at NYDC--> A true challenge for me. Ms Boon would be very happy to hear this. Give me a star ok? I am glad that I really enjoy the session chatting with her, sharing our thoughts about food, about my condition, about our future and about life. So much so that I don't even havethe slightest feeling of guilt with the indulgence infront of me. I ate a BandAid Mudpie and ice cream. Wow. Ice cream never taste so good. I always looked for low fat ice cream or yogurt.. I really lost touch of cream. The mudpie was heavenly.... It was choc, nuts, fruits, cream and cool ice cream. Wow. Where did I get this courage from??? Must be Josephine la! haha!

Delicious right! Yeah! Now I will be more open for these stuff! NExt challenge--> Oily food

Josephine was so nice to company me to select a birthday present for Dad. I bought a nice nike, cool looking bag for daddy, plus a sleek nike bottle. The cost doesn't matter. What matter is the heart. The passion to give the best for my Dad. But the biggest present for dad is still a complete recovery!

Haha! Time flies and we have to go back! Actually saw Randy along the way... He looked busy!
ok. I am very glad that today went well. I am very proudof my food diary today. Why?
There is no more so called structure already. I eat when I am hungry!

Food Diary:

Breakfast: Minced Beef soup + Bread

Lunch: Niang Dou Fu with Yam Rice

Snack: Auntie Anne's Almond caramel pretzel

Dinner(more or less): MudPie+ Icecream+ Hazelnut elephancino

Supper: Muesli and granola Bar with milk

A night of complete inactivity

2008-03-22T20:24:00.004+08:00

Tonight- is going to be a rest night for me. I am going to just eat and sit. sit and eat. But I am going to keep my mind active and make tonight productive.

Maybe I should start to mug and come up with a suitable time table. Maybe I should plan something for my tuition kid. Whatever it is, I am getting FAT. Tomorrow will be an even better day I guess. There will be tuition, work and then going out with someone. Sounds cool.

Let me see, tomorrow, I will have to top up my batch 1 and 2 transfected cells, count I samples using the CEDEX machine.

lunch with MUN PUN!

I was talking to Mun Pun just now. Was tryingto explain to him how to get from Fourier Series to Fourier intergral. Brings me back to my days of attending math 293 backin Cornell. Although I was not taught about it, I did read up on it before I left for Cornell. Some how, I think I am just a little crazy about math and fascinating phenomenons. Haha..

ok man. I am like that. I love knowledge and I am curious to know more!

Alright I am going to blogtv.sg to see what I can complain about.

Dinner: Garlic Rice + Chicken & chicken balls in tomato sauce+ bittergourd egg+ dou miao

Supper: peanut butter bread and Milo

Wierd

2008-03-22T16:54:00.004+08:00

All I can say is that today just feels wierd. Just wierd. I woke up with no aim in mind again. Very sad.

---I just discovered that my phone is failing me. The receiving party don't seem to be able to hear what I have said. This is totaly annoying. This phone is not even a full month old yet, it is giving me a hell lot of problem and even went through a single servicing. This proves a conjecture: The more versatile your phone is, the more compromise is given onto a phone's basic function- to make a call. Yeah. Nowadays, it is hard not to see a phone that has an integrated camera, that can play music, serve the net and play java games. What about the calling function? why is everyone neglecting that? Maybe in this modern society, the mundanes are being overlooked while the flamboyants are being underscored. Tragic.

Today's news is a long read. I was particularly captivated by the section on stem cell research. Is there a future for Singapore in it? I think very much so. Singapore can never almost never innovate something but is very capable of optimizing processes and procedures. Singapore can never be at the crest of the technological tide but we can always fall upon to improve on other people's idea. Stem cell researcg is actually quite a few decades old of reach arena. However, the promises that it could bring to the society hasn't quite materialise yet. Why? I must say stem cells research is a ethically sensitive realm of science. We are playing God; We are manupilating life. However, there are merits which deserves our attention. Things like Organ growth and even recreating tissues that are non-regeneratable. Our only wish is that these grand ideas don't fall ino the wrong hands, especially the monopoies of the world.

Hey, are we trying to boast that we are able to decide how we should live and what can be done to attain longevity? I really don't know. If we can live and relive a life again and again with the same soul but the flesh keeps regenerating through transplant, then what is death? Could it be a term of history? Then is there a God that decides how long we should live. Wow. Huge questions.

Back to Singapore: Singapore certainly has her forte of promoting other people's idea into one that is more complex but at the same time, more attractive. A country thriving on meritocracy would mean that efficiency is of prime importance. A dedicated workforce is what we have and we also have an influx of foreign talent.This truely makes Singapore a pronounced Biomedical hub. Already, Singapore is a reknown medical hub. So if we were to integrate stem cells to the medical faculty, we shall just have to enjoy the benefits of this confluence of different research arenas.

Ok whats more... The Dalai Lama. He is really a interesting figure. Up till know I am still wary of who is speaking the truth- Beijing or Dalai? Anyhow, please stop the violence.

Lovely, I've received an invitation from Mun Pun to take lunch with him and Marcus, and then study at Marcus's club later. I suddenly feel that I really want to study again! So I took my books and placed it in my bags. However, I did one extra stuff. I sneaked an extra pair of pants and undergarment so as to prepare myself for some unexpected activity. sort of expected it actually. My brain did entertained the thought of swimming. So before I studied with them, I told marcus that I am going for a swim. He said, "Sure, but don't overdo it!" Wait.. I told myself... Is this a compulsion or just a wanting to soothen my body before studying? Nevermind. Don't think so much. So I went into the pool for some skin deeping and found myself swimming a few laps. After 15 minutes, I told myself "Darren, not too much... Remember...." Then I stopped immediately. I was just really curious- This 15mins of activity is really nothing to me. It doesn't satisfy a compusion and I was able to stop it. Hmmm is this a good or bad thing.

When I reached home, the horror was revealed. It was actually a bad thing. Mymum actually noted that one pair of pants went missing. So she questioned me as soon as I stepped in. I can't answer or rather, I dare not answer. I want to tell her that it is not a compulsion.But trying to explain is useless. In the first place, I should think about my future. Come on, just a little more effort DARREN. ok. I tell myself please give yourself a chance to really rest. Please. Just a few more blood tests. Why don't you look atthe long term. But I tell you it is kind of hard. How can I just laze around and being sedentary? At least let me move about after some kind of inactivity, like tudying or reading, chatting? Swimming doesn't burn much calories (and it is only 15 mins).

Hmmm, guess I have to learn how to balance it again. But for now.. no more pleasing myself. Let me rest.
Thanks.

4am? Music please:

Music Video:
href="http://216.180.244.187/videos/l/lostprophets/4am_forever-2.html" target="_blank">4am Forever by (Lostprophets)

Music Video Code by Video Code Zone

Food dairy:

Breakfast: One slice of multigrain Bread with peanut butter and jam. + Salmon with eggs

Snack: Muesli and Milk

Lunch: Char Siew wanton Mee($4) + herbal tea

Snack: Soy milk and milk + 1/2 a MrBEan pancake

Dinner: --Delayed telecast--

Retail therapy...

2008-03-21T23:29:00.003+08:00

With things like mesotherapy on the ban.... I think that the only thing that is viable now is... RETAIL THERAPY! haha. No man. I didn't really live up to that word. ButI spent a good deal of time today, cultivating patience, doing something that I would not have done in the past. That is what I called mindless shopping.

It was a really daring attempt for someone like me to drag me feet along, not exercising, taking time to appreciate the scenery, the crowd and the plethora of fashion goods.

Ok, my morning started with the papers as usual. However, today, it was slightly different. After my read, I went on to teach my sister. WOW. The feeling is great. I have hardly the opportunity to interact this close with my sis nowadays. Last time we used to be very close. But now, due to our busy schedule and due to my crazy self (which I am definitely recovering), we hardly have the time to chat, play and to gossip. However, I want her to know that in my heart, I still love her as much as I do as in the past. Believe it anot, we never once quarrelled before. That ishow solid our relationship is. We are so used to giving and taking, helping one another, shielding each other from the scathing remarks from our MUM! haha... It was really great to rekindle this wonderful relationship again. I hope that from my guidance in her studies, not only will she excel academically, but also become more confident and mentally prepared, not forgetting that these few sessions will definitely improve our relationship.

After the teaching session, I have a date with mum for grocery shopping. Something good happened during lunch. I had a gastronomic appetite, something that hasn't struck me for very long. When I say appetite, I mean having to eat without feeling guilty. I actually called for $5 worth of beef noodle (Generous serving of beef) and then shared a rojak with mum. I also tried a mouthful of Char Kuay Teow from mum. It was a brave attempt for me. It all tasted so fulfilling that I don't feel guilty at all. Furthermore, I feel that there is still some room in my tummy! ok. It is groceries time and I went to help my mum to carry some of them. Yes, this time we really bought full cream milk.

In the afternoon, I went to meet my army friend, who used to be my colleague in 3 Sig. This fellow officer ( like me, a platoon commander), is a damn nice guy. He is really a man of integrity and he really mean what he speaks. Alvin really knows how to give lame jokes and knows when to be serious. LTA F M FU, watch your front! We had a good time walking around and he also treated me subway! We went hunting for snacks and also traded ideas on what to give as a present for my Dad. Oh yes, we also have a plan in mind to go Taiwan (bagpack) durig July. Anyone interested can phone me @ 82286121. We will make sure you spend SGD $1000 there.

We pass by this shop called CHARLOTTE.

How the hell do you pronounce that? Char-Lor-Tee??? Fried bread? Haha we just trying to be lame la. See, I am trying to increase my lameness level.

At Suntec, we were throbbed by a massive throng of young people,screaming and yelling. It was quite a distubing scence. A closer look tells me that someone special is here because everyone is holdingout his or her cam. I did likewise but I was too short. So I hel my cam as high as possible and took a random shot. But I still don't get it. I was damn curious and soI asked a girl standing next to me.

"Hey what goin on?", I asked.

"TWINS!!!!! TWEEEEEEEEEEENS! Do you know Twins are here! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" she yelled at me.

Crazy girls.

I will scream even louder for the day when Jesus come down to Firma Terra again.

Very quickly, It was 545pm.. OOPS... I am late for my class appointment. ok.. So I better leave for raffles place.

18/03 has always been a darling to me. I come to love these bunch of people more and more, even after our schooling years in JC, we still very much keep in contact with one another. The most touching moment was when each one of them came to visit me during my stay in SGH. Even Shera, the busiest girl, came. I love 18/03, that is why I am out there with them to celebrate our belated class birthday. We went to lau par sat to settle our dinner and then head onto pit stop Cafe- A place to relx and playboard game. Again, another huge challenge. I used to equate board games to "bored" games. I can't sit still so this is definitely goingto test my patience. I survived! Not only that, I was complaining when my mum called to say that they are coming to pick me up. I was actually so immersed in the games! ok.. I told myself, it is the interaction that matters the most. 18/03 rocks!

Kinda wasted, because actually someone that I was hoping could come did not appear. Nevermind, there is always another day!

Ok it is pretty late now... or rather early in the morning. Still have to rise and shine soon. so I will end here with my food dairy...

Breakfast: Eggs, 2 slices of bread and luncheon meat(with cheese)

Snack: milk

Lunch: Beef noodles soup+ rojak

Snack: pancake+soy milk

snack(ii):Subway mini tuna sub

Dinner: Ban Mee and satay(5 sticks)

Supper: Milk with weetbix

Another $250!

2008-03-20T23:06:00.002+08:00

Yeah.. although I keep emphasising that money is not the thing that drives my passion for teaching, I am rather happy to receive today's pay. Why? Because I am very sure I deserve it and I had taught her well. I am very confident that she will do well for her exams! This tutee, her name: Kathy, is truely hardworking and very serious with her work. I can see that she is making the effort. I must really thank Elsa for her recommendation. Kathy, you can do it ya?

Today is a happy day! Sound usual right. But the fire in me is not simmering. Just like what Ms Boon said, you must keep improving; You need to have a target.

-->My target is to really be the Darren that I've used to be.

I was actually commented by Dr Ng this afternoon as he said that I have been managing my cells pretty well. Glad to hear that! At least my hard work and effort of coming back on weekends payoff!

ok now for the Food Diary:

Breakfast: Two slices of bread+ seaseme spread+salmon and cheese spread
Snack: Muslei
Lunch: Chicken noodle
Snack: Milk
Dinner: Egg+ prawn+Stirred fried veg+ rice+soup
Supper: peanut butter bread-one slice and yogurt

What A busy Lab day!!!!!!!

2008-03-20T14:19:00.002+08:00

Wha! I've never been so busy before...

4 hours straight in the lab--> doing 3 experiments in one go.. Of course you need to plan how to stagger your experiments. So I started out very early... I thought I was the earliest..... but guess what, See Jye was there too at 810am! wha.. He want to fight with me for the queue of the CEDEX machine.

So tiring man.. I almost did a wrong thing.. which is to put my "promoted" batch of sample into the same incubator. Then I quickly shifted them to the shaking incubator... "phew.."

After that. I went to collate my results from the CEDEX machine. WHa!!! What the.... The number of dead cell was tremendous.

Second Harvest
Batch 1
Date: 20/3/08
**with 1.5X dilution

I
ID
IDP
IDA
IDPA
Viable
7.80E+04
2.87E+05
2.56E+05
4.30E+04
5.80E+04
Total
3.66E+05
7.17E+05
4.25E+05
3.99E+05
3.77E+05
Viability
21.40%
40.10%
60.20%
10.70%
15.30%
Agg
7.9
10.2
28.2
2.8
7.7
Std Dev
1.34
2.25
2.05
1.02
1.2
Actual Viability
1.17E+05
4.31E+05
3.84E+05
6.45E+04
8.70E+04
Remarks
Cycle shorten
6 Well
6 Well
same
same

At first look.. I got a shock. But then I realised that it is only natural.. Furthermore I forgot to time 1.5 due to the dilution. How come so blur???
Basically, I've got my batch split up into 3, which basically more work and more overtime.. Have to come back on saturdays and sundays..

Oh Dr Ng is back but he gotta rush off for some meeting. Haiz. Later I will report to him... Too busy man! OK I better go and prepare my enzymes for ELISA>>>> no time to waste!
Bye

Good friends are hard to find

2008-03-19T22:37:00.002+08:00

Just ended a small chat with Josephine. I must say I didn'y really get to interact with her during my JC years and only get to talk better wit her after the "incident. Perhaps, as a future occupational therapist, she is one who can really dig deep into what I am feelingand really empathise me. Yup, she is a good friend that I will cherish. I will never forget her words of encouragement to me!

Oh yes... Food diary time!

Breakfast: A piece of bread with two slices of ham+ a cup of milk with some oats
Snack: Musli
Lunch: Mee Sua soup+ soy milk
Snack: Delifrance: half a ham and cheese foccacia+ half almond crossaint
Dinner: Pan fried fish with garlic parmasean cheese sauce+ cabbage+ Tofu and braised peanuts
Supper: Yougurt with granola

Wonder - full :P

Nitez!

Appointment with one of my most respected Woman

2008-03-19T16:55:00.003+08:00

Today is a short work day for me. Hey not that I am trying to escape from work ok! I am not malingering! I can't express how much I love my job now! Although the work is pretty repetitive and draggy, it is the subtle changes and elements of unexpectancy that catches my enthusiasm. I love to analyse what happened. That is the tedious part and the scientific part of it! I must thank the Lord for is beautiful arrangement for me to carry my passion in science,albiet not my sbject of interest. Skill is what I acquired and attitude is what I endeared upon. From the day I left SGH to resume my service to BTI, I took my job seriously and often get a sense of accomplishment for my commitment towards research and responsiblity that is entrusted to me by my supervisor.

Just yesterday I took picture with this french girl....

Funny with the goggles on right?

HAHA! In Level 3 lab, there is only me Qian Qian and her that is available. The rest are all at Bintan. Wonder how they are doing.

Very quickly, I diluted my Antibody capture by 8000 time to yield 250ng/ml. Then spend my tie coating the ELISA plate and then put in the fridge to be kepy overnight.

Very quickly, it was 11am and my parents came to fetch me to SGH. See my parents are so nice! They took time out to send mearound and to hear what the doctors have to say. Today I met Ms Boon. She is one of the woman that I truely respect. Patient, courteous, bold and fascinating! She is an open and candor person. You can expect a lot of truths and decent comments from this psychologist. Hey being a Psychologist is not easy ok... and being a friendly one is even more onerous. I used to disregard psychologist but now it is the reverse. They are more then "Aunt Agony" but are meticuluos character analyst and emotional supporter. Empathy is what characterises them. Ms Boon is one cheerful psychologist that I will never let down. I promise her to keep a food diary. So will resume it again!

I was watching the Ellen show just now. It was a very very long time since I watch variety shows and I actually enjoyed it?!? They show is a jolly mix of incredible people, stories, cooks and very very wierd stuff... like the Hawayian Chair. Something like osim bouncy chair. Then, there is one boy that is featured in the show who could play the game Guitar Hero like a freak... and he is only 12 years old. (got Girlfriend somemore). Talking about girlfriend, it is time for me to stretch my area of operation wider to hunt for more potential candidates. Sounds mean.... haha!

ok. I am handling a few maths question now.. Can't wait for tml. Because it will be a very Very VERY busy day! Got tuition in the evening too!

relax now ya?

Lonely lab and office

2008-03-18T20:52:00.002+08:00

Why is math suddenly so interesting to me! Haha. Last night, I was really intrigued by the definition of flux and circulation and the relationship with Green's theorem. I spent two solid hours reading and digesting the splendor of the theory. Haha, actually dreamt of it while sleeping. I was thinking maybe in future I might discover the fourth spatial dimension by using Gauss's Law.

Ok don't be disturbed by my wierd dreams---- At least it is not those kind of dirty dreams ok!

Today IS the Usual Elisa expt. So much time is spent on this... Please give me good results ok?

Haha. No supervisors around today... Sneaky... Can have a longer lunch break. Nevertheless, I still rush back to office to resume my experiment trail. See responsibility ok! Qian Qian is also as sneaky as me! haha.. Today she offered me some rose tea.. So nice of her! Today I also get to know a french girl working in the same lab as me. Gave her the easter egg choc yesterday. She is really amiable.

Without anyone in office, we assumed we are the biggest around. so we decided to end our work early!HAha. I left office at 5pm, to meet mum at kovan at 6pm to help her with the groceries. Wow.. we bought a lot of goodies. I am just happy to see mum this happy. My happiness is founded on my mum's mood.

Oh this afternoon, I actually had a nice chat with dad over the phone. I really love and respect Dad more and more. It seems like lady luck is by his side too.. Got another job interview! Hope that Dad can get a less taxing job that pays as well as the curent one.

Now I spending my time analyzing the data collected for the experiment. Hoping to impress Dr NG... Yup ok.. bye bye!

Great week ahead ok!

2008-03-17T14:06:00.000+08:00

Hey hey... Last night I had a good lesson (self taught) on vector calculus, on the topic of flux and circulation. Tonight I'm gonna touch on Green's thoerem. Heehee... Sounds fun...

Ok what I've learnt:

As a mathematical concept, flux is represented by the surface integral of a vector field,

The surface has to be orientable, i.e. two sides can be distinguished: the surface does not fold back onto itself. Also, the surface has to be actually oriented, i.e. we use a convention as to flowing which way is counted positive; flowing backward is then counted negative.
The surface normal is directed accordingly, usually by the right-hand rule.
Conversely, one can consider the flux the more fundamental quantity and call the vector field the flux density.
Often a vector field is drawn by curves (field lines) following the "flow"; the magnitude of the vector field is then the line density, and the flux through a surface is the number of lines. Lines originate from areas of positive divergence (sources) and end at areas of negative divergence (sinks).
See also the image at right: the number of red arrows passing through a unit area is the flux density, the curve encircling the red arrows denotes the boundary of the surface, and the orientation of the arrows with respect to the surface denotes the sign of the inner product of the vector field with the surface normals.
If the surface encloses a 3D region, usually the surface is oriented such that the outflux is counted positive; the opposite is the influx.
The divergence theorem states that the net outflux through a closed surface, in other words the net outflux from a 3D region, is found by adding the local net outflow from each point in the region (which is expressed by the divergence).
If the surface is not closed, it has an oriented curve as boundary. Stokes' theorem states that the flux of the curl of a vector field is the line integral of the vector field over this boundary. This path integral is also called circulation, especially in fluid dynamics. Thus the curl is the circulation density.

--------------------------------------------------------

Why must I punish myself with so much knowledge? Hey That's not punishment. I regard it as a form of relaxation. I love knowing more. now I must make it a habit to revise every week. On top of that, my weekly tuition is a good revision of my A Levels syllabus. Yeah!

Ok man. Today not much of work because I started my lab work pretty early. Now, pipetting is my mastery! haha. Easy la.. Stability is the key!

ok ok.. Going back to lab to incubate my ELISA plate!

happy Driving...

2008-03-16T19:06:00.000+08:00

"beep beep" It's 730am but my brain tells me that I should sleep more man! So I ignored my alarm and let mum be my alarm clock. So my body woke up only at 845am. It was refreshing, bearing in mind that I slept at 1am last night.

Why so late? My family actually went for supper @ T3. The food and shopping at Changi airport terminal 3 was great! We took our time to stroll around B2 and look at what they have to offer. There was a grand fair price mart with lots of unusual stuff in it. There is also a candy empire! WOW! I spent 20 minutes in that shop browsing for sweets and goodies that are unusual to common sight. There's eclipse sweet in cinnamon flavour, lots of jelly beans and nougut, cookies and chips. All so tempting. But I was still quite euphoric about the taste of chocolate ever since I took my rare bite of easter choco this afternoon. I almost forgot the taste of chocolate. I always eat sugar free,fat free stuff and then chocomilk. But I 've never tasted REAL chocolate for a very long long time.

Ok ok.. Some pics at T3:

Oh what we ate? I treat my pa too POPEYE's Crispy Chicken. Yes I manage to slavage some pieces of meat before dad gobbled them up! haha. I

bought my fav Mr bean pancake and soy milk, and then I bought a miserable diluted bowl of peanut cream. Cheeze... I shouldn't have gotten that. not worth the money and my appetite.

Now, back to today's event. Morning: breakfast with news as usual. Any catchy news... not really. Mostly about taxis and American $$. Oh yeah.. and an article about children being disturbed mentally nowadays. (Don'y be like me, I hope). More children are getting depressed and are seeking help from IMH. Looks like something is wrong with the neurone pruduction or specialisation nowadays. Must be the food that we are taking in. We have created our own troubles.

Then I head on to the same tuition kid. He really dissapointed me today. I realised that he did not put in effort to revise. I think everyone has the ability to absorb knowledge. This is what I told him. "Wen Jie. I really want to help you to do well but you must play your part too. I guess everyone is able to acquire knowledge but most have the problem of analysing questions and how to express their knowledge to fit the question. As a tuition teacher, I seek to address that problem. Hence,at the first cut, you must be willing to take in the knowledge. I think it is my 4th time talking about acidity and basicity. He still refuse to memorise some of the key concepts. Really. I think I've put in a lot of effort into teaching him. If he refuse to learn, there is none that I can do!

After the tuition, I went to Eunos to have my lunch. Yes the sameplace as yesterday's lunch. Had a good meal and I took bus to ubi driving test centre for my lessons. Wha! I enjoyd my lesson today man! I fully felt so relax in today's driving and I think I've learnt more in a single lesson then in all the lessons with my previous instructor. He taught me the proper parking techniques and he is really patient! I love his tips and tricks!!!

Haha.. I had a nicely created dinner with lots of tomato sauce on my noodle with ricotta cheese. Looks like a chinese/italian infusion meal.

kk. Looks like I've got to end here. Tata. prepare for tml.

Optimizing my weekends

2008-03-15T20:40:00.000+08:00

Hey hey.. I slept at 1230am last night and I woke up at 730am this moring.. Still I feel so alive! I really feel so much hearty these days. My weight had certainly increased (I hope in a good way) and I am more confident of my recovery. Wow. Waking up with such a positive mood is really cool. Furthermore, I got to see my wonderful daddy back from work in the morning! He is my MOTIVATOR! I Love My Dad. Really. Sometimes I really wish that time can take on a negative sign. I want to twist the arrow of time so that I can go back to erase all the bad moments I had with my Dad and the bad/irreverent attitude towards him. Come to think of it-->I am Blind.

Let me tell all of you that my dad is really a wonderful person. Selflessness is one of his traits and he is really humble and well-mannered.I must say that Dad, I love you and thanks for motivating meto change int a better person. Moreover daddy, you've changed too (for good of course!) You have become more open and frank towards me and because of this incident, our hearts tend to sync better. Thanks Dad. I wanna give you a good 14th of April surprise!

Ok. Back to the mornings.... Yup. I went to teach my lazy tuition kid at 11am but I extended my lesson time till 130pm. I really want him to do well but ultimately, it al depends on how much effort he puts in. Then my lovely parents picked me up for a munch at Eunos and then send me to Biopolis to tend to my Transfected cells.

Yeah!My cells looks healthy and thriving! Ok so guai.. so I shall give you 1 mL more of media, warmed up specially for you at exactly 37 degrees celsius! Haha. Oh yes and my newly prepared media is sterile! yeah can use le!

After that, I went to NUS open house. Not that cool after all. The same orange handbag and the noisy crowd.

The band was playing one of my fav songs- Starlight, by Muse. After the rock and roll, I went to treat myself with some gelato icecream... yummy durian and vanilla flavour. $4.30 haha

ok ok. I have to head back home. Went to buy some groceries first because mum not feeling well and I don't want her to be lugging groceries. pains my heart... later massage her!

This time, I bought some choc back...something rare huh... Some for me, some for my colleagues on the easter week!

Ok.. Tonight must do something productive. I will be working on some powerpoint later.. hehe see ya!

Patience

2008-03-14T22:50:00.000+08:00

The greatest test on earth.. Patience. I was literally sueezed on the MRT carriage. Yes patience. Wait for the cramp to go off just wait. Can't move about. Close your eyes.. wait wait wait.....
"Outram park Interchange" Oh yeah! Finally! I am out of the sardine-packed carriage. I have two newspapers on my hands, but none of them have been flipped open yet.

Early in the morning, I found myself doing my lab duties. Today was quite interesting! I actually have a chance to show my 'gentlemenliness' by helping Janice with the heavy stuff. Carrying the waste filled carboyl was no joke. After that, we went to fill pipette tips... The ultimate patience test too! Haha. Putting the tips in rows, one by one... Wha.. I really think this is good training for me!

Then I went on to prepare media..

Wha.. First time I prepare so much solution man... 7.2litres in total!

Haha..All for the ELISA expt. Oh yes, next week most of my colleagues will be gone for Bintan Company Presentation/Retreat. So I have to do most of the stuff on my own. On top of that, I have to take over some of the jobs of my colleagues. Damn xiao on ar...Now I have my residence in level 3, 4, 5 labs..!!! No wonder the yo man is gaining back his popularity! (Oh YOMAN!)

I don't regret reqesting Dr Ng to keep me busy.. See I even have to go back to work on saturday! Most importantly, I learnt what is patience and responsibility.

Nevertheless, I really enjoy working in BTI. I keep the documents that I have drafted and the log book that I jot all my expt down. They will be dear to me. It is my HARDWORK! Oh I amthinking of doing a powerpoint presentation of my research work.. That will be very gratifying.

Ok Enough about work. Now about my handphone.... It is back! Hopefully the battery doesn't disappoint me again! But my phone has more added function (free Upgrade!)

Aiyoyo.. Mei Mei is not back home yet.. so late already. Mum is worried!

Ok let's discuss some news article.Oh yes.. Malaysia's Gen election- All I can say is that I am proud of the maturity and sensibility of this election. It is really fairand square. The opposition was given a chance to show their aternative view. I wonder when would Singapore's second voice appear. Must we always vote for security? Indeed, political stability is the buttress for social, economical viability. No doubt, I expect the Malaysia's stock exchange to slump following the election due to the political uncertainty. Look, Selangor and penang have been owned by the opposition. Rules gonna change. Can investors trust them? Hard to say man.

ok I am going to explore more of my phone! Bye Bye!

Tuition cancelled....NEVERMIND!

2008-03-13T22:33:00.000+08:00

Wha... I thought I would go off earlier for tuition by starting my eperiment earlier today. In the end, tuition canceled. Also good la. The weather's getting abnormal these days. Precipitation to the MAX!

So early in the morning, I was the only person in the lab.. Slogging through the ELISA expt Slapping plates, pipetting solution. Then See Jye come and disurb me again... say what I don't know how to switch on the light... hey! excuse me. I just dun wanna press wrong button and cause an emergency ma. Then I went on to do my cell passaging. Looks like my cells are pretty strong. 3 deaths out of 255. Pretty cool. Like Tamagotchi like that.

At the same time, I was doing stupid pipette tip refilling...... really testing my patience man. Qian Qian must be damn happy la.. don't have to do duty. I still have to come back this Saturday to topup media ok! This is called responsibility.

Then in the afternoon, the Elisa expt still proceeds but at the same time I went to prepare media for the cells... running out le. Dr ng is so nice to show me how to prepare them. Then Jia Juan and Loo ling both said that I look damn busy and were seeing me practically all around the place.

Ok.. The moment came where I pray for justice of my hard work.. The result time! Iwas dancing infront of the computer, hoping the results were consistent. YEAH! The results were quite spectacular man...

ELISA
Date of expt: 13/03/2008
Plate:
1 Strip
8 Wells in total
Well no.
Absorbance
1
2.6668
2
3.289
3
3.7831
4
0.1291
5
3.1208
6
3.8632
7
3.6976
8
0.1018

Lvl 4 Absorbance reader machine
Wavelength:2
Reading at: 450nm
Reference at: 630nm
Parameters/ Variables:
a) Capture Ab : 250 ng/ml, Overnight incubation at 4 Deg
b) Standard for detection : Biolegend, 4h incubation room temp
Concentrations (pg/ml): 1000, 0 (for control)
c) Detection Ab : 2 ug/ml, 1ug/ml, 0.5ug/ml, 1h incubation
d) Avidin-HRP : 1:2000 dilution, 1h incubation
e) TMB: ready to use, 30 min incubation
f) TMB stop solution (0.5M Sulphuric Acid)

1
2.5377

2
3.1599

3
3.654
0.5 ug/ml
1.76885
5
3.019
1 ug/ml
2.57995
6
3.7614
2 ug/ml
3.327
7
3.5958

Readings with negative controls deducted

1, 5-Row containing 0.5 ug/ml of Antibody detection
2, 6- Row containing 1 ug/ml of Antibody detection
3, 7- Row containing 2 ug/ml of Antibody detection

--------ok a snippet of some of the data..

Now for some Hardcore stuff:

Protocol : ELISA for Human IFN-γ
Aim: To optimize concentration of antibody capture, detection used, and the optimal incubation time/temperature
1. Media Perparation
(a)Wash Buffer 2L, PBS/0.1% Tween20
-2L MiliQ water+10 Tablets of PBS+2ml Tween20
-Stir 2-3 hrs, no need to filter
(b)Dilution solution 400ml, PBS/1%BSA
-400ml MiliQ water+2 Tablets PBS+ 4g BSA
-Stir 2-3 hrs before filter
(c)Blocking solution 400ml,PBS/3%BSA
-400ml MiliQ water+2 Tablets PBS+ 12g BSA
-Stir 2-3 hrs before filter
(d)PBS Solution
-400ml MiliQ water+2 Tablets PBS
(e)TMB stop solution
-Prepare 2M sulphuric acid by dilution from stock at media prep room (level 3)

2. Antibody capture
-Coat 96 well plates (Nunc Maxisorp) with 100ul of purified Mouse monoclonal [GIF-3] to Interferon gamma (abcam ab9801) to each well in use (total 24)
-Stock solution is 2mg/ml
-Dilute with PBS 1/1000 to 1/10000 times. Prepare 3 sets of Antibody capture with different concentrations. Preferably the concentrations: 2000ng/ml, 1000 ng/ml, 250 ng/ml
-Do a X1000 dilution with stock solution using PBS solution to obtain 2000ng/ml followed by serial dilutions:
for 2000ng/ml: 2uL Stock+1998uL PBS
for 1000ng/ml: 500uL of 1.+500uL PBS
for 250ng/ml: 200uL of 2.+600uL PBS
- Seal plate and incubate it overnight at 4 Deg Celsius
-Flick off unbound antigen and wash well 3 times (300uL each well) with PBS/0.1%Tween20 Wash buffer. During each wash, tap the plate after adding wash buffer to evenly distribute the wash. Then, invert the plate onto a dry piece of tissue paper to remove residual wash solution
3.Blocking
-Add 300ul of blocking solution to all wells in use and incubate it at room temp for 1 hour
-Then wash 3 times with PBS/0.1%Tween20 (wash buffer) and tap the inverted plate onto a dry piece of tissue paper to remove residual wash solution
4. Antibody Binding (standards)
-Recombinant Human IFN-gamma have been diluted from stock conc. of 0.05mg/ml to 1ug/ml (1:50 dilution prepared by Lina)
-Prepare in total, 20 sets of standards of the same concentration of 2000pg/ml. Hence, total volume should be 2ml.
-Do a dilution of 1:500 on Lina’s Standards by mixing 4uL of Standard with 1.996ml of 1%BSA/PBS to get a concentration of 2000pg/ml.
-These standards serve as a basis for the materialization of the standard curve
-Add 100ul of diluted standards to each well Except for the last row, which is to be used as control
-For negative controls, 100ul of PBS/1%BSA is added
-Incubate for 2-4 hours at room temp
-Invert, wash 3 times with PBS/0.1%Tween and tap the inverted plate onto a dry piece of tissue paper to remove residual wash solution
5. Antibody detection
-Dilute Mouse monoclonal [4S.B3] to interferon gamma (Biotin), ab21538 from stock concentration of 0.5mg/ml to 1ug/ml (6uL stock+2.994mL diluent=2.5mL Total)
-Dilute with 1%BSA/PBS
-Add 100ul of diluted antibody to each well
-Incubate for 1 hour at room temp
- Invert, wash 3 times with PBS/0.1%Tween and tap the inverted plate onto a dry piece of tissue paper to remove residual wash solution
6. Enzyme attachment
-Dilute X2000 of Avidin-HRP conjugated (BioLegend, #405103) with 1%BSA/PBS
-Add 100ul of diluted enzyme to all wells
-Incubate at room temp for 30 mins
- Invert, wash 5 times with PBS/0.1%Tween and tap the inverted plate onto a dry piece of tissue paper to remove residual wash solution
7. Enzyme Detection via Substrate
-Add 100ul of readymade Sigma TMB solution (T0440) to all wells
-Incubate at room temperature for 3 times of 15 mins interval (total reaction time about 45mins for last two columns of wells)
8. Measurement
-At the end of each 15 mins interval, stop the reaction for one column of wells and its duplicate (see diagram 1) for absorbance reading
-Add 100uL of TMB stop solution (2M Sulphuric Acid) to one column of wells and its duplicate and incubate for 15 mins before adding TMB stop to the next two columns of wells
-Use ELISA Machine (@level 4) to read absorbance at 450nm, reference 630nm, with wavelength 2 of the columns of wells and its duplicates
-Determine the average absorbance of each standard with their duplicates and subtract absorbance value with that of the negative control
9. Standard curve
-Plot Reaction time. VS Absorbance (OD) to obtain curve for each of the 3 different antibody capture concentration
-The lowest reaction time will have the lowest absorbance
-Choose the one (antibody capture conc) with the highest absorbance
10. Further exploration
-Repeat the ELISA experiment, this time varying incubation times, antibody capture concentrations (0.5ug/mL-2.0ug/mL) and standard concentrations

------- This was my home work ok..
I had to devise my own experiment with the parameters given!

Actually damn proud of myself. Because I actually don't really like Biology but I hapen to be so immersed in the area of research.

Ok.. I owe Janice some work today due to my busy expt schedule. Shall prepare some solutions tomorrow.

oh yes.. Tonight is home alone with Mummy. Despite her bad body ache and pains, she still cook a splendid dinner for me! She even gave the whole piece of red snaper steak to me. See.... parents really do love us! Today I really gave my heart into massaging my mum. Noticing her unbearable pain really made my heart sank.. I love you mummy. I will pray for you!

Muackz.. Good Night!

Thought it was easy....

2008-03-12T22:52:00.001+08:00

Wha.. Another rainy day! How come the sky's cryin? I put on my cucumber football club jersy and wore it to work...--> "YO, 69." says my shirt! Haha.. but it was overly sized. It makes me remember of the 93Kg Darren(yoman) wearing it. Now apparently, I can squeeze two of myself into it. Notice I attracted much attention along my way to work because of the shirt (or is it the number?) But today I was a little late... So the train was like super squeezy.

I went to my office with a light heart, thinking that I will have little work to do today.. Seriously, there isn't much jod at hand for today. So I went office and then I suddenly remembered that our printer had a problem yesterday. So I called soon keat to help. Then Dr Ng called upon me to ask me to change the costing sheet into sing dollars. Ok. That shouldn't be a problem. I went to level 3 lab to settle my topping up of culture media and I was so relief to see the cells thriving on the 24 well plate. While waiting for the media to warm up, I went to take a video of my overnight Gel. Wha.. The results are damn bizzare la! I really can't interpret. Dr Ng said it may be due to the enzyme being bounded to the DNA, causng precipitation. He told me that it is going nowhere man..so shelve the digestion aside! I went around the lab, clearing waste and refilling BSC pipettes. Going around to say hi to people reallybrighten up my morning.

After my top-up was done, I went back to office again and there, Dr Ng gave me new tasks. We analysed the result for yesterday's ELISA and then he gave me another experiment. So I have to amend my protocol. He then commented that my expt will waste too much solutions... So again I have to amend. On top of that, he ask me to run another side experiment to act as a couter check to themain one. So I have to AMEND my protocol AGAIN. Wha... from3 pages to 5 page and then to 8 pages. Oh yes.. He told me the data that I gave him yesterday was not well presented. So I went to make my results so elaborate and I even plotted a graph, do some statistics and draw pictures.

On top of that, I 've got to keep track of the consumables at level 3 Bioreactor Lab, which seemed to come in drips and drabs. oh no... this is getting out of hand! I've got ameeting at 430pm. Looks like time is running out. Eventually, I don't even have time to attend the meeting because I have to prepare my antibody solution and incubate my plate+strip overnight.

515pm: I was doing my Lab duties, cleaning bottlesand emptying waste. Just then, the autoclave technician came and was confronting me on the usage of autoclave. He kept bragging about his knowledge about the machine and its proper handling. Can't you see that I am busy!!! Eventually, I told him to shut up (in a nice way) as I still have to put those bottle in the oven and I have to top up with MiliQ water... Oh please! the MiliQ tap takes for ever to drip those precious drops of ultra purified,deionised water with 18.5Mohm resistence. wha....

Finally, it is time to report to Dr Ng my progress and tata! Time to knock off.....

WHAT A DAY!!!

Luckily, dinner was great and fiery! Wha.. It gave me the umph! Beef soup, prepared by my mum.certainly takes lots of skill to cook that! after dinner, something bad happened. When was trying my bestto reccount my daily affair with my parents, they don't seemedto be very interested. Then why in the first place ask me to talk to them? I find this very mechanical. It is not family bonding at all! It was like paying me to give a talk or something. even so, is it very difficult to get interested? If it is not interesting, then please ask me not to talk. I am like talking to the bloody wall. A happy, fulfilling day ismeant to be shared and expressed emotionally. But it all seemed like a drag to them to have to open their ears to get some "empathy". So apathetic! Its ok. after throwing a fuss about that, I then realise that it is just a small matter. Nothing to be angry about. What if I put myself in their shoes? Hey actually they put in so much effort already. Besides, what I speak of are of techniccal jargons and alien scientific language which would not make a single sense if they find them interesting. haha... Hey Darren! Ma & Pa still loves you!

Yeah! Then I quicklyask for forgiveness and then I went to give mum a good massage. Hee hee. Where's mine? I want my massage too! haha. recently sit too long infront of computers, fume hoods and machines. Really very different from the compulsive exercise era. Wha. what an astronomical change...

Ok Darren... Stars for you. good job and keep it up. Please your future is yours to make.
Good night

A revisit to my past....

2008-03-11T22:15:00.000+08:00

Hey.

"I am an officer of the Singapore Armed Forces.

My duty is to lead, to excel and to overcome.

I lead my man by example.

I answer for their training, morale and discipline.

I must excel in everything that I do.

I serve with pride, honour and integrity.

I will overcome adversity with courage, fortitude and determination.

I dedicate my Life to Singapore!"

I hope my memory doesn't fail me!

Yeah reciting this really gives me a sense of pride and a sense of achievement.

But I must say I haven't really live up to this creed.... I have to determination... but I went the wrong way. However, the Darren now is stronger than the disease. I have the power to overcome ok!

I must overcome!!! I am no longer a child. I told my pastor. I am a soldier for Christ. To evil we fight! I love the life now.. a working life, a normal life. I cherish my life now, my lovely family, my great friends and a bunch of fun loving colleagues!

<-- I can do it!

Trust me guys... I wont give up. I will continue to put up a brave front. Do expect the Yoman to be back! haha!

Cool man :P

What happened today.. Let me continue.. Yes, I ran two concurrent experiment and also did my duty! I learnt how to autoclave and I even refill pipette tips today. See Jye was doing the ELISA expt with me today... He is really damn cute la. Although he loves to brag a lot, he is actually quite nice to me. I think I will suffer without his help. Also, I guess Janice really helped me a lot with teaching me and guiding me with the duties. She is really damn nice man. Actually, having duties gives me a sense of belonging to BTI and gave me some sense of responsibility. I feel good. I felt that I am being respected as a staff of A*STAR. I like the treatment here. Trust me. I will spread yomanism in BTI. Everyday, I meet new people. Today I met John at level 4 EE Lab and he was like commenting " Darren Darren,you are always smiling. Frankly speaking, I am envious of your smiles..." Haha. In fact that is what I want... I want to lead a happy life... I don't really care about my $1200-CPF(20%) pay now... what is more important is that I enjoyed what I am doing now and imbibing the hard and soft skills of a true researcher...

Wha today I work OT lei... where's my remuneration? I feel satisfied with my work today although I didn't get the results I wanted... My readings for Elisa was too high. Yeah.. the blue colouration appeared quite unexpectedly fast...

Wow! I love research man. Ya, I have learnt to accept failure as part of a learning process! Dr Ng said, 99% of the time, you won't get what you want but always make the best out of every trail. When things go wrong, try to adapt to the situation.

Dinner was great tonight! I love the rice that mum cooked tonight. It was full of fragrance and full of steaming LOVE. Passionate & scrumptious gralic rice, topped with cabbage with bean skin and a bowl of siew mai with mushroom! LOVE MY MUM'S COOKING!

Hey, I am a good cook too!!!

Ok man!

It is all good so far. Continue to press on Darren!!! YOMAN!

COME on ELISA

2008-03-11T15:08:00.000+08:00

HAHA! Yesterday was a super good boy day... I think today will continue man! haha.. Getting fitter both physically and mentally! yes I will be strong! Yesterday when I saw pa cry, I tell myself not to let my parents down... Come on I am so near the end point already! don't give up!

Today will be a busy day as planned... I am gonna run two concurrent experiment. one on ELISA, the other on linearization of vectors. Dr Ng is damn nice, he offer to chat with me after his meeting at 10am so that he could understand me better. I told him that I was glad to take up the responsibility that he had assigned to me. I really enjoyed working with him! although now I carry out most expt on my own, his spirit and advice will always be with me!

Hope I am able to achieve some cool digestion this time round!

Lunch was cool!
I had lunch with Janice, Wan Ping and Mariati.. We Da Bao food back... no la someone did for us.. We on duty what.... haha! So nice chatting with them.. They are damn fun people la... ok ok.. Got all of their msn and Hp number so I can disturb them.. Ok I am off to put o.5 microlitres of enzyme NmeAIII to my DNA... BYEZZ!!!!

Yeah! It's Monday!

2008-03-10T21:25:00.000+08:00

Oh yo man! It's amazing Monday! No Monday blues for me because I look forward to my work! Wha! I can feel it because I can smell no naughty spirit in me! haha... Today I woke up late 'on purpose' so that I wont do anything funny... I ate a lighter breakfast today.. It was damn good. Then I went office with my plans in mind.

First thing: the phone rang... Wha good, so early got business le! haha See Jye so blur but good I can revise by telling him some of the protocol stuff.
Oh yes, It is my DUTY week! So happy to see Janice around... Haha my lady boss that I wanna bully! This morning went well with my passage no 8 and well transfer. I notice I became more nimble with pipettes and I can handle them faster.

Failed to take pictures today.. Don't worry, more opportunities awaits for me tomorrow. HAHA the ELISA experiment is going to stretch for 7 hours... be prepared... haha

Oh today Dr Ng taught me some useful EXCEL technique to predict costing. Damn Cool! Computer programs can be super powerful la. wha.. really so grateful of him to takeout to teach me.

Today has been a great day! I really didn't do anythingfunny. Gimme a star! yeah! ok ok.. must maintain.. cool man! I love it. I feel good!

Take care Darren, respect thyself!

Going out...

2008-03-09T21:00:00.001+08:00

It is yet another Sunday. Yes. Sunday. Hey I didn't make it down to church. Received some thought provoking remarks from my mum... Really, sometimes I feel so ashame of myself for not being who I want to be. I told myself, tomorrow will be a better day. Tomorrow will be aday of change. I dunno why, but I am really concern about about my abdominals... It is like the muscles are getting less defined as fats are starting to cover it. Haiz.. I do want some fats but please, at the more appropriate places???

Nevermind, Now I will just try. See how fast I will get fat by absorbing everything I ate and not exercising a single bit. Then I will go for a blood test to affirm myself of the drop of CPK. Please Darren, stay strong. When the value is down, you can start exercising!

Don't I want to join my Marist friends for soccer. Mum was like saying that I don't have any friends one. No one is asking me out. The fact is no one knows how to handle me. wanna bring me out but can walk fast, can't cycle, can't eat much.... Bulimia is such a pain in the ass.

I was getting more upset with myself as my mum's mood got affected. Idon'tknow why but I only improve remarkably when my family is happy. I actually had a good lunch but I don't know why but i can't seem to get away those urge to elimnate some food. Only a little but still, it is the mentality that is potentially dangerous.

After receiving more scoldings, I decided not to fool around man. I sat down andread through biology, about immunology. Then my mum questioned about my friendship. This time I really wanna go out. So I called Alvin, my army colleague, and ask him whether he is free to meet. Whahe is damn on man.. He immediately said ok!

So we went to plaza Sing and ate secret recipe. I challenge myself to a piece of oreo cheese cake. Damn nice! I haven really taste and enjoy these kind of 'sinful' food for a long long time. Then we we sat there and chatted a lot on the progress and situation now in the army. Yup. He is going toORD soon and he is planning for a trip to Taiwan on July... He asked me to tag along and research for him the possible accomodation and plans.

We went to walk, eat and talk more cock. I realise that talking can be very enjoyable, something hat I failed to grasp when I was super compulsive. All I had in mind was that I need to do something productive. Now, I am more relax and I start to appreciate simple pleasures in life.

Wha it's going to be a busy week. Better sleep well tonight. Haha!
Darren, let's work hard... it is for your own good. Don't be afraid to gain weight. You don't have to exercise daily... come on. You can do it. Dr Ng said that, Prof yap said that, Unle kelvin said that...Look! I've got so many motivators around.. Darren don't disappoint yourself!

YYYYYYYOOOOOOOOMMMMMMAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN!!!!!! I want you back!

Food diary for 08/3/08

2008-03-09T11:43:00.000+08:00

Dinner@ Kathy's house... my Tutee!

Breakfast- one waffle+ maplesyrup, one bread, a giant apple+cinnamon+brown sugar

Snack-Cornflakes

Lunch-Shredded chicken noodles, cuttlefish with ang chye

snack-cheng tng+ soy pudding

dinner- Black sauce chicken/meat with tau kua, Cabbage/Broccoli

Supper- Branflakes+ milo

Standing firm

2008-03-09T10:20:00.000+08:00

Alright now. I going to say thisonce and for all to my evil one. FUCK OFF. I don't want you temptations. I am going back to church today. Hey... really can control myself one. I am an adult already......... Tell myself that I am an adult. Why be so myopic and look what is only ahead of me? My future can be glorious.. come on it is only a few days more... Why succumb to the evil one?

I am going to set my records straight. Let's see what happens to my CPK value... I want my life back. I don't want to be supervised.

I love independence. I love respect. But why don't I cherish them for myself.... Falling to the evil one makes me lose my independence and respect for myself. I can't deny that I hate being treated like a kid. WHO WANTS THE FREAKING DISEASE?!? FUCK OFF! I just want a NORMAL LIFE!

I must tell myself to look at what I want at the end: I want my grades, I want my scholarship, I want my research career, I still wanna exercise, albiet in a healthy manner, I want my family and friends, I want my God and I want myself. I want to have a life... A meaningful life that has such a short lifespan only....

Encouragement is important. But cutting off deception is more crucial. I have been clouded and start to cloudthose around me. NO! stop! I Don't want to drift back again. Hey, let us move forward. Did't I start this week happily? Why is it always the weekends? haiz.....

Hey I've got a boring Saturday

2008-03-08T20:04:00.000+08:00

I really don't understand why... I feel bored. When I feel bored, I tend to do something stupid. Lucky I kept control of myself... Typing this blog keeps my mind a little busy. What to do? I wanna go somewhere! But do you think my parents allow me? I tried every single bit to control my urges. Right now, I really don't feel like exercising le. So I've got so much free time.But no one is going out with me.... I can't study all day right? Can't face the computer the whole day right?

Honestly speaking... I love weekdays where I have work to do... I need some structure to life. I feel that if I work, I feel more positive and I am more able to seek my balance. I enjoyed my solitude with the cells, enjoyed chatting and gossiping with my colleague and also eating with them, enjoyed meeting and discussing work plans and I enjoy using my brains to think. Can't seem to find this at home. My Marist friends are a bunch of nice people.. But they can only ask me out for supper. I can't play soccer with them. They don't have time for other activities too...

Hey, I wanna be like you all! I wanna go back to a normal life! I want to start schooling too! can you all drag me along to any activities?(except clubbing)

Today, morning was all about newspaper andthen I went to help Daddy to wash car. Daddy seemed a little unusual today. apparently, I assume he is tired... But I think is more then that. Less smile and more wrinkleson his face. I really hope everything is fine.. Maybe he is just stress. Oh.... Maybe it is Mummy who is naughty.

Then, in the afternoon, I went to service my phone at PP. Had my lunch there. Yup I manage to control my portions well and did not overeat. I almost wanted to... luckily I ate slowly and fullness crept in. If not for the decision to service my phone first and also not purging my breakfast, I might be binging on some jolly bean pancakes. I was full already.

Time flies and I went for my First driving lesson after mysecond time failing driving. Wha..! I enjoyed the lesson with this new instructor man.. He is damn patient and cute.. He taught me lots of things to look out for.. Hope I will pass this time. Wha.... So far my records are clean. Except... that I decided to give in to my urges to alighta stop earlier to run all the way back home. I felt remorseful, despite being happy after the lesson. Ok..so I went to buy ice-cream for MUM. Then I confessed to her that I ran. ok man. I tell myself I'vegot to be accountable to myself. No point improving on not vomtting after meals but starting to exercise. That way I will never rid of my ED thoughts.

But I must say I am actually performing quite well... By behaviour after dinner is changing soon. I always have the urge to go toilet after meals.. But these few days, the urge subsided. I kept the food in my tummy. Now I feel less hungry easily.. which is good! I don't wanna go back to the binge purge cycle. It is totally a waste of time! But what do I do now with so much free time... Lucky I choose to write this blog... Later I will go design some questions for my tutee.. Hopefully later I can go somewhere... maybe granny's place? I need a break come on!

Haha.. ok la.. Life is like that.. Don't worry and be happy. I will stay positive. I only have this one life.... Not doing anything is resting....

AMEN.

A decent day

2008-03-07T22:46:00.000+08:00

I was actually battling hard with ED last night.

But today went even better! I was so proud of myself! Practically everything that went in to my mouth today landed in my tummy. One way road is an analogy!

I received a good wake up call from my mum this morning. The deceiving evil Darren was pounded hard. Initially I felt lousy, but then I quickly overcame the impertinence and took on the challenge. This is something that I have learnt in this new life:Give yourself a chance to prove your capability. If you can't succeed, there is always another oportunity... Hey not everyday is SUNDAY!

I started work dAMn early today... With a positive mood I chiong all the way... Wha I really love research. It keeps my brain thinking and my mind active. On the outside, it seems like a repititive chore, but actually a great deal of effort has to come from the individual because of planning, safety consideration, sterile practices, brainstorming, SOPs and sometimes, the mastery of improvision.

I was so relief that my transefected looks fine!So I happily gave my two day old Chinese Hamster Ovarian Cells (CHO) a new abode: The 24 well plate... Well it is a little cosier than the 6 well plates... Talking about this... I have to burn two Saturdays to come back to lab to take care of you cute little cells... make sure you do me good.... 1 freaking month of effort.

Well, I really enjoy my work here.. Though I am busy, I keep my mind occupied and I lear a lot of life lessons here.. Slowly, bit by bit, I am gaining back my Yomanism.

Me and Lina!

My Biological Safety Cabinet!

I must say my colleagues here are really nice people. They are very willing to teach and help. I love to joke with them and mess around with them.

Today's dinner was super filling. I did manage to finish my rice but with a scoop eaten by my mum. so technically, it wasn't finished :( Nevermind, I can and I will do it! Must tell myself that I am feeding cells, so I should feed myself well too!

Prof Yap once said to me, " Darren, I want to treat you as an adult. By that we assume that you knowhow to manage your life, seek balance in what ever you do. Being rash and passionate about studying doesn't impress me." Her words struck my heart...

Everyday, I make a new committment and I hope God will bless it!

Good night!

Food Diary:

Breakfast- Two pieces of bread with cheese+ a cup of choc milk

Snack- oats and milk

Lunch-Fish BeeHoon soup

Snack-Quaker's granola ball tidbits

Dinner-Fish+Ham+Braised peanuts+ cauliflower/cabbage+rice+ soup

Supper-a piece of bread with jam+ yogurt

Very Cool day

2008-03-06T22:32:00.000+08:00

Cool man. Breezy wet day... Makes me sleepy.. Yup on the way home, I was sending a hell lot of sms. Even to me tutees.. to encourage them.

Well.. just completed my research reports:

Some Gel electrophorosis....

Haha.. research can be fun.. It is like being a detective.

ok man.. I'm pretty tired. See you guys tml.

Food Diary:

Breakfast: Blueberry waffle toast with syrup+Milk

Snack: Oats(one bowl)

Lunch: Fish soup with yellow mee

Snack: Wheat germ and Soya bean drink

Dinner: Rice (one bowl)+Tuna+Tofu Egg Veg mix+ ham/hotdogs+Braised peanuts

Supper:Red beans+ guava

Wha.... Yet another exciting day ahead!

2008-03-06T09:56:00.000+08:00

Hey.. I slept pretty late last night. Very reluctant to hear the alarm.. but nothing is further from the truth... I look forward to this new day! Breakfast was cool! I managed it nicely with no ED thoughts at all! I am sure the sardine and waffles landed nicely in my tummy.

Pop goes the sweet and I am off for work. DID I MENTION SWEET?!? what!!! First time since a long long time I am touching actually sugary sweets. In fact, I found out something- They taste nicer and last longer.. Serious!

I've promised someone to put on more muscle... so that I can protect her la.. So still carbo intake must be there.. But I will try my best to achieve a very balanced diet.

When I reached office, I realised that my phone has no battery at all... Wha this phone is a batt drainer. Think I will service it soon. It is a new phone lei!

After opening my office email, I had a pleasant surprise.... I was complimented by my Supervisor, Dr Ng!!! wha damn happy.. This is what he wrote:

"Good job. For the digestion, you can go ahead to order the enzyme and try your plan. The only change I would suggest is to add in the enzymes in batches, e.g. 0.5 to 1 U per ug DNA per hour for 4 h. I have read the insert and it seems that the enzyme does not do well for single cut site [which is what we have], cuts quickly, and probably also deactivate quickly (min units to cut 1 ug DNA for 16 h incubation is also 1 U). The insert also does not recommend over-digestion or over-incubation. You can try this using one of the partially digested vector first. So if you have some leftover enzyme and if it is enough for one vector, then we should try this first before buying a new tube.

One more thing I remember… you need to take care of the cells you previously transfected as well. So if you have not done so, please remember to top up 1 ml –HT media for the 24 well plate that you have tomorrow morning… Can you also help to type out or draw out the procedure to culture transfected cells which I have gone through during last week’s meeting ?

Thanks,
Say Kong"

Yeah! Responsibility! haha.... But then when I emailed Christine about NUS, she don't seem too happy. Hmmm.. life has its ups and down.. Well.. I am movin on! Ok... Gotta top up media and do a cell passaging. Later meeting at 230pm... Hurry hurry!
Haha... enjoy your day folks.. Just like me!

Hey... What's goin on?

2008-03-05T22:13:00.000+08:00

It has been a while since I last log anything about myself. Hey, keeping a diary is cool because it makes me more aware of myself. Let me tell you all something... Stay happy! Because life is short and so live it to the fullest! I had messed up my life before, dragging my soul through the bottomless pit. Guess what? God redeemed me again and i was given a new lease me life; a new bearing which i could head towards to. Seeking balance is my weakness. Now that i have 'moderated' my life, i am starting to enjoy life, my friends and family, and most importantly, understanding thyself. As i start to slow down my life, my impatience becomes history. I began to appreciate many things, to gain back my abundant life! Music, chatting, reading and even girls... Oops.. It's natural la... Come on.. I'm a guy!

Ok enough of moralistic views.. Let me recount what happened today.

Morning was great! I was slightly early for my departure for work and so.... NO NEED TO SQUEEZE ON THE STUPID MRT! Wha... Singaporean are singaporeans man. We can never learn how to be courteous. There's no "Excuse me" or "Sorry" in our vocabulary.

Haha... When I was about to reach Buona Vista, guess what? I met Neo Meilin! haha.. she had that sleepy look-->Normal Uni student. It is always NML.. I just met her last week.. Well I guess it's a small world after all.

My morning was busy man. When I reached my office table, my supervisor left me my type-written Transfecion protocol with some remarks... Dr Ng, you are damn nice man! Dr Ng is a really nice guy-He's got the patience, the manners and the brains (That's pretty obvious) In this world, if you are clever but you have low EQ, that's not gonna bring you far in life. Ever since I was on my road to recovery, Dr Ng has always been my source of inspiration. Thanks Dr Ng for entrusting me with lots of responsibility. I feel proud of myself and I enjoy working with you!

Ya it was busy though. I started my morning with editting the protocol and then took slightly more than 1 hour to prepare for this complicated experiment. By the way, I have only seen the demostration once and now I have to perform the experiment all on my own, unsupervised.

However, I was feeling damn good about it.... HEY I DID MY OWN EXPT!!! Wow! I have long felt so great man.

Then 1 O'Clock came by quickly and I met up with my parents at Matrix building for lunch... It was splendid. I ate western food (Surprise surprise). I was initially shocked by the portion size (HUGE) but eventually, I ate almost everything except for a few strands of spagatti... Not bad le la!

After a gratifying meal, we head down to SGH. The doctors were so glad that I've change so much and my mood was rocket high. Just yesterday, I made a commitment to cut off artificial sweeterners and non-fat food products. It is another warfront with the ED voice in my brain. Get lost Devil, I am Darren Neo, the one that is choosen by the blood of the Lamb! The psychiatrist was so positive about my improvements that she scheduled my next appointment to next month.

Come to think of it. Family support and love is so important. I really love my family. I've changed so much because I was really touched by the painstaking effort to see me through this. Their hearts were sored but they persevered. They wept for me, not for sorrow, but for the happiness that I am motivated to get well.

Soon, after the collection of my medication, we head home.. Dad deserves a good rest while I deserve some snacks. I ate a piece of bread with cheese and challenged myself with some sugar with the cheese. YUM YUM..... Plus some Taiwan Mochi that my Dad bought. What a savoury snack! ok ok.... Then I went on to read the Newspapers. I was looking out for a few articles: One on Malaysia's election, one on American's presidential election and of course, our beloved fugitive- Mas Selamat (Hari Raya) Kastari. I was hoping some good critics in the forums but there were none today. Talking about America, the US currency fell big time man. Looks like my account in US is gonna suffer.. Not going to withdraw now.. will make a big loss. As for the presidential race, my heart goes on for Obama. I think with his reign, the Global influence and outlook of US will change. I trust that his econs is good.. Please rescue America from the subprime issues and hedge funds... With his representation, I hope America will become less irksome to some anti-US countries.

Mas Selamat, where are you? People are giving out bounties for your head! But pretty impressive to escape unscath for a week. Hmmm where could he be man? Surviving like a tarzan I supposed?

Alright, close to dinner and so I decided to show of someof my culinary skills to my mum by helping her with the dishes. I must say that I have some cooking mastery man! My vegetables turn out to have some Italian streak after I modified the normal stir- fred cabbage with ham, hotdogs, cheese, cashew nut..... and you know what.. I even add milk powder.... wierd right but it tasted real good!

While my night ended with some late grocery shopping with Mum and it was quite an experience for me because it was the first time that I had to pick food which has no annotations of "Low Fat" or"Non-Fat/Fat-free" or"Sugar-Free" or "Loose weight" whatever..... Hey I do need some fats man.

My night ended well with some nice and naughty SMS from someone that I have a strong feeling for. Haha.. she really brighten up my night. DIE! How to sleep with a high heart rate???

Well- Sweet dreams then... :P

Food Diary:

Breakfast-Two pieces of bread with ham and cheese+A cup of milk

Snack-Oat Bran with whole milk

Lunch-Grilled Fish+Bake beans+Coleslaw+Spaghetti+1/2 serving of Pulot Hitam+Sour sop fruit

Snack-A piece of Bread with cheese and sugar+2 Mochi

Dinner- Vegetable delight**+Sardine with tomatoes+ a bowl of rice

Supper- Cornflakes with milk

A Milestone of my Life

2008-03-05T18:49:00.000+08:00

Yo peeps! Welcome to my life! Hope you enjoy walking this journey with me!

--->Be it rain or shine.... Life is always positive. You have only this 1 life.

First, a self introduction.

First name: Chi Jin, Darren

Last name: Neo

Alias:YOMAN

Nationality: Singaporean

Race: Chinese

Religion: Christianity (More like faith/relationship with God... I hate to use the word religion)

Highest qualification: A Levels

Date of ORD: 05/11/2006

Occupation: Assistant Lab Officer

Organisation: A*STAR, BTI

Email: darrenneoyoman@hotmail.com; cn88@cornell.edu; darren_neo@bti.a-star.edu.sg

Tel: 62875049, 82286121 (NEW)

Associations: Cucumber Football Club, 18/03, Node 37, Animal Cell Technology

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ENOUGH!!!!! Boring you guys right! Standard operating proceedure man!

Second, a guide to my blog... Each day (I hope), I would try to blog down my daily events, my food diary, what I've learnt & what I've done.

And lastly.....

Me, myself, Darren: